Archive for the SteveA tag

Archer

Yesterday, all my troubles were gone

Player Updates 2 Comments

Hi Pickymon players, readers, general tagalongs and lovers. I’m gonna do a brief update of what I’ve done and then I’m going to break down and beg the educators for some guidance.

I left you all last at the front door of the Cinnabar Mansion, of which I blasted through and along the way this beautiful creature joined me:

Now the little sperm has a necklace!
Now the little sperm has a necklace!

I ran on, I went to Cinnabar Gym and low and behold:

Call me Miley Cyrus
Call me Miley Cyrus (Wrecking BALL)

I continue north and completely skip that nostalgic jetty that everyone paused at. I had the silly idea of taking a capture when I got to Pallet Town saying “Hey look guys I’ve reset the game! What a fool” in reference to not only my stupid saving issues and blunders but to the amazing things everyone has suffered at the hands of this game. I typed that last bit a little too hard, it’s too soon. I’ll explain in a minute.

I powered on up to Viridian City and charged through the Viridian City Gym, trounced by Giovanni, healed and then trounced his ass back!

(INSERT THAT SCREENSHOT YOU TOTALLY DIDNT MISS YOU IDIOT!)

 

 

 

 

 

And now we get to my swan song of fuck ups.

I saved the game and started messing around with my emulator. More recently than not I’ve been using an easy save function on my emulator and didn’t trust the Rom’s saving capabilities to work. In previous sessions I’ve also saved on the hard save file as well but more recently for speed and ease I’ve saved on the good old easy save. This was my last save:

Wow, Steve, a whole 15/16 hours you've put into this. What a beauty...
Wow, Steve, a whole 15/16 hours you’ve put into this. What a beauty…

 

And I left Pickymon in it’s folder. Got rid of the previous hard saves that were old anyhow and left the latest one just in case I had an accident……..

I had an accident.

I used the easy save on a different rom game, which replaced the above time. I panicked and then breathed hard and begged I had hard saved recently. Would you like to know when the last hard save was, kind reader?

Wow, *Astromonically slow hand clap...*
Wow, *Astromonically slow hand clap…*

 

I want to cry, I have been in hysterical laughter for the past few minutes.

I have lost essentially 10 hours of hard fucking work and blogging. I will not lie to any of you. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OTHER THAN REFER TO THIS OF THE DONALD TRUMP OF PICKYMON FUCK UPS

 

Archer, out.

 

Archer

Saving is a bitch

Player Updates No Comment

Right so I’ve given up with the trying to write creatively with this. Here’s the next update:

In the last post I went down to Fuschia City to get a Dratini from the Safari Zone; I also collected the SURF TM and the golden teeth. I then ran back to Saffron, catching any trainers I missed to level up my Dratini (nicknamed OhHiBatz after Kirsty). After getting back I challenged Sabrina and retook the Marsh Badge:

Yeah, me too. I've beat you like 3 times this playthrough!
Yeah, me too. I’ve beat you like 3 times this playthrough!

And with that I did the thing that everyone thought I was crazy about (god, really Steve?) and got the Marsh Badge before the Soul Badge

Officially feckin sane!
Officially feckin sane!

With this glitch finally fixed and my baseball cap firmly set facing the right way again, I ran back to Fuschia and I continued into the “INVISIBLE WALLED GYM” which is a lot less true in the original game as you’ll see for yourself though if you want to know it’s very obvious…

A few jaunts back and forth to the Pokécenter and boom:

Sass me one more time and I'll get Edna Mode!
Sass me one more time and I’ll get Edna Mode!

And if that wasn’t enough, the wait finally paid off and Sean Connery got his leading role:

Like the Egyptian that has a Scottish accent, the Wyvern that is confused as a Dragon...
Like the Egyptian that has a Scottish accent, the Wyvern that is confused as a Dragon…

SO THIS IS GREAT, I think to myself and I head straight off to Seafoam Isles. I get there and I realise I forgot Strength. BACK I GO!

I know, Beedrill, I fuck up A LOT!
I know, Beedrill, I fuck up A LOT! You missed a lot though so SHUT UP

 

Anyway, did the Seafoam Isles, left Articuno and I got to Cinnabar Island:

Fire?
Fire?

So there you go people. Easy; Fast; Subtle; like most of my clients when I don my Midnight Cowboy outfit.

Dan, here’s my current time and team.

11 10

Next time we do Cinnabar Mansion, Gym and the Elite Five

Later!

Archer

Back in Beardie… Wait!

Player Updates 1 Comment

Remission. That’s what the Doc is calling it.

I accidentally skipped a round of medic- GYM! I accidentally skipped a gym and went onto the next one. I fought at Saffron City, only to have my efforts thwarted. So I took a step back, I went for a walk out to Celadon City where I collected a parcel containing the HM for Fly. I felt like I was already on the road to recovery, and I decided not to return to Saffron to retake the badge but instead I head south along the coast. I received a fishing rod from a lovely old man in a hut. I continued on my path, enjoying the breeze though not being able to look too many pedestrians in the eye.

At last I reached Fuschia City, home to the only proper beach in Kanto, the Safari Zone, and budget Vegeta’s Gym (sorry Koga but it’s true). I realised that I had one Pokéball left as I walked along the petting area of the Safari Zone and I realised that a lot of work was going to be needed to get that last team member. I stepped into the Safari Zone, I walked straight up to the first pond and I fished for a while.

Nothing.

I decided to forget the catch and to go for Surf/Gold Teeth (For those who haven’t got to it yet and struggle, the teeth are on the ground before you get to the secret hut; all in the same area) and then the Safari Gods shined upon me.

I have never caught a Tauros, they never appear in my playthroughs. Shame...
I have never caught a Tauros, they never appear in my playthroughs. Shame…

I didn’t catch it, but I felt like luck was finally on my side. I ran through the bushes, got to another reservoir and there it was! I attempted to catch, failed. I fished 15 more times and each time the same Pokémon, the one I needed, appeared then fled. I continued round to the secret hut, got the teeth, got the surf and realised I had a lot of steps and 14 Pokéballs left. I sat outside the hut and fished for what felt like hours, and then finally, when I thought I could do no more…

"WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIENDS..."
“WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIENDS…”

I called her OhHiBatz, though I feel like it was more the writer’s choice as Kirsty had to sit next to him throughout the entire Safari debacle. But I feel better and I feel like all that work in the rehab paid off! My next goals are to take Koga’s heart, then go back and drag Selina through the Marsh. I decided to sleep out under the stars that night, and as my team dozed off I couldn’t help but feel honour and pride to be part of this team…

imagesZ3V7O0X0 untitled 148837 Gyarados__6_102__Base_Set Charizard__4_102__Base_Set 180px-DratiniBaseSet26

 

Archer

Happy World Beard Day!

Player Updates 2 Comments

Hi readers, players, umpires and the rest of you.

I wanted to come out of my writing style for a post to just clarify some stuff because I haven’t been writing as commentary like as I feel I should have so you actually know what I’m doing. I think my writer got a bit ahead of my gamer. So let’s just explain what has happened quickly because I haven’t played for about a week and realised I’ve gone silent because of this.

I went the wrong way around at the previous gyms, apparently, and instead of heading straight down to Fuschia City after doing the Pokémon Tower in Lavender, I went back to Saffron to do that gym instead. It’s nice because I believe April also did this so I feel less of an idiot now, as she’s awesome! I had a bit of a tough time doing this because I have been speed running through bits where I could have levelled up a bit more. I saved at my first attempt at Sabrina and then had a good six attempts before my team had levelled up to beat her, only to forget to save and turn off. So now I am going to grind and get the gym done again and head down to Fuschia, actually doing the game!

Here is my current time, badges and team:

Screenshot 2016-09-03 12.47.17Screenshot 2016-09-03 12.47.34

Yup, that’s where I’m at. I’ve just got fly, I’m sure I’ve ruined that by not having a Pidgey. But the team is there for a reason. Every time I play pokemon, I plan my team at the beginning of the game; I know the type of each of the Elite Four, so I know what they’re weak against.

1-Ice/Water, 2-Fighting/Ground/Rock, 3- Ghost/Psychic/Poison, 4- MOTHER F-ING DRAGON, 5- (Oh you all know who that is!)

So taking this, a good team to go against the Elite Four with would be something like:

1- Grass, 2- Water, 3- Ghost, 4- Dragon, 5- Fire, 6- Psychic

I normally go for Abra in Cerulean; and three did actually appear in tandem when I tried to catch Oddish. I have given up my Psychic for another Pokémon. I wanted a Beedrill for the GameGrumps reference but also because – and I want to point this out because I find this hilarious and nobody seems to realise this until it’s pointed out – Psychic is weak against Bug type. Very weak against Bug. Get a good level bug type, and I dunno…

BEEDRILL COULD KICK MEWTWO’S PSYCHIC ASS

 

I just really want that silly ending.

Anyway, go and enjoy the other players and I’ll be back with very weird writing in a day or two. I got some grinding to do and a Dragon to catch.

Archer

Damn you, Phil Collins!

Player Updates No Comment

I want to talk about doubts. I want to go back to that moment James ruined my run of Rock Tunnel and ask the important question;

“Was it James, or was it me?”

So the last time I spoke about my sessions and what I’d been telling the Doc, I explained I’d just ran through Celadon, defeated Giovanni and got through to Saffron. Saffron City. I feel the tear rolling down my cheek as I type those words. But Saffron comes later, at the moment it acts like a bypass to my needed destination, Pokémon Tower, Lavender Town.

I climbed the tower with relative ease, not too many things getting in the way. It’s a creepy place and the women all remind me of that great aunt who has flashbacks and spits her teeth out. Ass-hat is there, and I genuinely feel bad when I realise it’s my fault that he’s there. Mourning his Raticate that I violently and brutally murdered. He’s taking it like a champ, I mean a true and wonderful Pokémon master. I dispatch his team in our friendly battle we ensue and continue up the tower, my run in with Giovanni was quite helpful as the device he dropped whilst fleeing allows me to get to the top floor where his gimps sit guarding a defenceless old man.

At this point I add a new member to my team – number 5 – with a Gastly who later evolves into a Haunter, affectionately nicknamed Ryuk. (It feels slightly weird being a crazy person and having a friend called Ryuk, but I won’t make Light of the situation…..) ((I’m sorry to all the Deathnote fans))

After meeting with Mr Fujjjijjijijijjijjji or whatever his name was at his place, he gives me the Pokéflute and I make a wrong turn.

According to the other patients here, you actually take the bridge route down to Fuschia City at this point, but my sense of moral standing remembers the sights at Celadon and how the mafia like Team Rocket were trying to do the same in Saffron. So I turn my back on the bridge and I head to Saffron City. I run head first into Silph Co. and dispatch as many villains as possible, even finding Ass-hat hitched up with some scientist in a small room (it’s 2016, he can love anyone he wants to).

I finally make my way to the CEO’s office to find Giovanni standing there, big as you like, and I can’t help but look at him and think…

 

He don't half look like Phil Collins
He don’t half look like Phil Collins

phil

 

Jovial anecdote aside, I thrash Giovanni with a final push to freedom, hoping now that I – a 10 year old boy – have shamed him and his team countless times, he will finally go away for good! In such a exciting stupor I skip to the Pokécenter, heal up and run into the Saffron City Gym. I struggle a few times to beat her first 2 Pokémon, both around level 35, and after the first few times I actually do something I haven’t done this entire time; I go to the Pokémart and buy potions!

My medication starts to kick in after this, I can feel the hazy edges of my brain clawing in at my vision and I take stock of my surrounds.

Right, I'm gonna get the Marsh Badge this time...
Right, I’m gonna get the Marsh Badge this time…

And I genuinely beat her. It’s 3am in the morning and my mind is burning with the intoxicants of my pills but I know in my heart it was worth it. I collapse in a mess on the floor.

 

In the foggy, bleak Thursday I trudge into the help circle. Everyone is a little confused by the progress chart on the wall. Our assistant Doctor has been keeping track of us and he’s done a real pretty display (go on, it’s linked there) which has been botched my miscommunication on my half. I explain to the AD that I had finished my 5 round of treatme… GYM! I had beat the Saffron City Gym, he asks me to open my badge case that shows my progress. I hadn’t got it, something was wrong. It also was after another badge. Nobody mentioned I had to do something else before hand, these tablets are too much as it is. I can’t take more, I’m just a man for Christ’s Sake!!!!

Screenshot 2016-08-25 13.10.27

I guess I’ll go find out what the missing link was…

Archer

Session 14, August 21st

Player Updates No Comment

It was with a bleak heart under a blackened sky that I trudged through sludge-like mud to the Pokécenter of Lavender Town. I could not get the voice of James out of my head as he cackled at my broken warriors and our distorted revelations.

You need not bother to stay in Lavender Town too long?

No, Doc. The idea of Lavender town is that you can explore and run around the cemetery, but ultimately you’re wasting your time if you haven’t got a Silph Scope. This contorted mesh of metal and plastic has the ability to reveal the true identity of any presence that masks itself. For this, I expected to go to Saffron City, home of the Silph Co. but the guards at the border were worked to extreme conditions; they had closed the gates until further notice.

I was headed back on myself when I noticed a small hut by the entrance and realised that, like the underground pass between Cerulean and Vermillion, there was another pass built to the hub of our economy form this very hut. I entered and ran as fast as I could to reach Celadon City, not realising the terrible situation I was about to stumble across.

Ah, yes. You seem to be under the delusion that you – an at the time 10 year old boy – took down the Team Rocket boss in single handed combat.

No, Doc. NO! I used my Pokémon to defeat him.

I apologise, Beardie. It’s been a while since our last session, you fight with these creatures you refer to as Pokémon. Please continue…

 

The people of Celadon were once a vibrant and joyful people, though the influence of Rocket had taken it’s toll. The Game’s Corner that would usually be packed with kids and grown ups alike, now a seedy bookies where people go for the lack of drink at the local bar. Every person I walked past would barely acknowledge me, for fear I may be a Rocket goon. I went to the local gym, now a hovel where the human trafficking racket was making a steady income, allowing it to stay open as a gym for the morale of the girls. I took pity on these poor women, I could not harm their pets, for that is truly how they viewed their Pokémon; one last friend in this dark and pitiful existence. In reward for this behaviour, I was awarded the Rainbow Badge, giving me a total of 4 badges and the skill to control up to level 50 Pokémon! I couldn’t let this go on, this had to be stopped. I don’t remember too much of what happened next, as I blacked out with rage.

I remember entering the Game’s Corner, approaching a man that seemed overly possessive of the poster hanging on the wall, looking for recruitment. We duelled and after a harsh defeat he ran into the basement. In hot pursuit, I chased after him, not knowing what lay down there in the murky depths. I seem to remember some complex floor patterns that allowed you to travel to the end of the corridors, with trick patterns that would lead you back on yourself. It took me mere moments to realise the pattern, based off something I had played as a child, and charged through the seemingly deserted basement…

Until he stood before me.

Beardie, it’s been a long and arduous session. Let’s leave it there for today.

But Doc, I defeated him and got into Saffron City!

You have told me, Beardie. It’s time for your medication. Go see the nurse on your way out and we’ll continue this tomorrow.

I can do more, Doc! Please, I feel like this is helping me work through this.

We shall see how you feel after meal time. If you are up to another session, we’ll take it from there.

Oh, thanks Doc. I feel loads better just getting that memory out of my head.

Until next time, Beardie

Archer

Down with the Sickness

Player Updates No Comment

Did I ever tell you the story of how I was commited?

It’s not an easy subject, I know. It all started on the day I entered Lavender Town. I know, dearest reader, I left you last in the throws of war against LT Surge; it will all become clear in time…

Operation Yewtree had yet to reach the Kanto region...
Operation Yewtree had yet to reach the Kanto region…

Meet James. James is a Pokemaniac. James likes to challenge weary travellers just escaping Rock Tunnel. James is a class A c**t.

I exploded out of the Vermillion City gym once more, only this time I had victory in my grasp and the Lightning badge to add to it. I had calmed from my bloodlust previous to that day and had reached a cool and relaxed state of mind; akin to the state of mind I reach whilst listening to Bob Ross. I strolled along the sea front, knowing that my destination was to bear no fruits of any value. I looked up at Diglet Cave and took a deep breath. This adventure was not one that I would be taking. No, kind viewer, I were not mad (yet) and I had complete confidence in the fact that I would not need to traverse this narrow and repugnant crevasse.

I headed back to Cerulean, checked in at the bicycle store and exchanged a voucher for another means of transportation. I then headed East to the lonely and desolate Rock tunnel…

Naïve and cocky
Naïve and cocky

I entered the cave, to find that I couldn’t see my hand before me. Then I started to notice a translucent light around me…

Russian tea makers store their fine china here?
Russian tea makers store their fine china here?

I couldn’t tell exactly what was causing it, maybe it was the pollution of pokemon battles built up in this cavernous space, but the walls radiated a small glow. Though this would not help me get through alone, I must turn to that writer – once referred to in a previous post – to explain why I shouldn’t be so alarmed.

So, Hi! Steve here.

Sorry to interrupt the text but I’d like to admit a tiny bit of cheating here. Not exactly cheating but an upper hand to the other Pickymon players. I have picked up Fire Red several times over the past three years and played through for funsies; thus I have a bit of an extensive knowledge of the maps and routes, so I don’t need Flash to get through and that’s how I got through Mt Moon so quickly. Also will explain in a few posts time how I can do Arcade Floor Puzzles, Silph Co, Kogi’s Gym, possibly Sea Foam isles, and Indigo Plateau. (If I remember the last one at all!)

Anyway, just thought I’d point that out, sorry to the gang for not pointing this out. Kirsty knew, and she’s adorable so you can’t be angry at her. Back to Beardie…

I passed through the first two sections of Rock Tunnel with relative ease. I had to return to the Pokecenter on the third section and then I retraced my steps towards the fourth and had another Pokecenter call. Finally I reached the fifth and exit section. I climbed the ladder into the sunlight. A cacophony of birdsong and breeze hit me and I cannot help but whistle and stick my hands in my pockets. As you leave Rock Tunnel you have a choice in ways to approach Lavender Town

Left, a few hills to jump over. Right, my date with destiny...
Left, a few hills to jump over. Right, my date with destiny…

I mounted my bike, turned into the direction of the sloping entrance and took off. Knowing that trainers liked to hang around the hilly left entrance, and my team near exhaustion from a very testing fight through the tunnels, we sped off.

That’s when James appeared.

I didn’t notice him come out of the bushes edging the pathway.

“Want to see my pokemon?” He cackled, rubbing his legs and masticating relentlessly.

I blacked out.

 

The doctor took me back to the pokecenter, fixed up my pokemon. He gave me tea and rich tea biscuits. I felt confused and alone. I didn’t know what had happened. I stepped outside…

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!??!!?!?!?!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!??!!?!?!?!

 

I don’t remember much of the second journey. I think I got back to Lavender Town, well, I know that much and the papers will tell so many stories of what happened there.

In the dead of the night, I crept back into Lavender Town. I found James’ little hut just down by the river, and I took the fishing wire from my old rod and I garrotted him.

 

I have been here for so long, and nobody has ever asked me about that story. Yet the worst is yet to come, for they didn’t catch me until much later into my quest.

Sweet dreams,

Beardie x

 

 

 

Archer

Friday, I’m in love

Player Updates No Comment

We last left our brave protagonist, Beardie, contemplating his life choices to date at the edge of the famed Cerulean City Bridge. He had just trounced his rival and proceeded up the bridge, grinding against the 5 contest trainers (though not that sort of grinding, pervert!) and realised that he could finally have a friend as he reached the host of this contest. The dark eyed Marlon Brando wannabe begged for Beardie to join Team Rocket and Beardie accepted with every question but this pathetic moron of a man could not understand that he actually won. So Beardie drove his pokemon into the ground and continued to Bill’s place.

Bill is a massive Jeff Goldblum fan, were you aware? He wanted to bang Geena Davis that much that he replicated the machinery from “The Fly” and sat in waiting for her to come and meet him. Unfortunately a rabid nidoran jumped at him as he sat tinkering and he was morphed into some hideous Nuneaton like creature with webbed hands and inbred tendencies (if you’re from Nuneaton, I apologise, but you chose that life…)

After saving JG or Bill from his predicament, he hastily shoved me out the door. He forced an SS Anne ticket into my hand, begging me to leave him be. I think he was planning on making a talking Cat or something so it could fight a Growlithe (Cats vs Dogs reference, anyone?)

I head back down the hill, a little disheartened. I kick through the leaves and bushes, not caring what should come my way, when suddenly a wild Robert Smith of The Cure fame appears. I have to catch him. If not for me then at least to save him from himself. For those struggling to workout which pokemon this could be, a clue:

I don't care if Monday's black...
I don’t care if Monday’s black…

I run straight to the gym, and challenge every swimmer and his dog to a duel. I even fight the leader, who turns out to be bloody Geena Davis!

Bill wouldn't be happy if he knew what Geena was talking about... ;)
Bill wouldn’t be happy if he knew what Geena was talking about… 😉

I was ecstatic! Elated! I just beat her with a damn Magikarp for Christ sake! I ran down the pass to Vermillion City and jumped on the SS Anne. Nothing could stop me, my heart racing in my chest as I pounce up the steps. Ass-hat collides with me, just as I approach the Captain’s quarters. What the hell is he doing here? I think to myself; and then I realise that this is my moment, My dream to s**t on his dreams, to massacre that little Raticate. I feel the blood lust rush up inside of me. I can’t help myself.

I run at him, we charge into battle. I don’t have any potions, I don’t use any defensive moves. I pin him to the wall from the off. I rip into his team. He’s protecting that sheepish little rodent!

Finally, he sends out the pathetic, mangy, disgusting little thing and I let Connery set fire to him there and then; the flames flickering as reflections in my maniacal eyes.

 

I black out. Not from loss, but from sheer adrenaline and joy.

When I come too, I realise the Captain has found me and brought me to his cabin. My jeans feel loose…

I couldn't get it on tape, sir. But moments before all I could hear was rubbing
I couldn’t get it on tape, sir. But moments before all I could hear was rubbing

I grab my clothes and the HM for cut that is close by and run. I narrowly escape my kidnapping and watch in relief as the SS Anne floats away. I head towards the gym, hoping for more cannibalistic destruction with my team to take my mind off the idea the Captain is drilling into my…. it’s too much… I can’t cope, Doc

No, please, Beardie. Go on…

I fight everyone, I challenge LT Surge, but he overpowers me time and time again. I feel I am already being punished for enjoying the demise of my foe’s prided pokemon.

And what do you plan to do next, Beardie?

I need sleep, Doc. I need to rest.

Maybe tomorrow, if my medication holds the hallucinations at bay, I may be able to defeat him. But for now, I must go.

It’s okay to admit you’re scared, Beardie. Leave your team and training details on the desk. We’ll talk more in tomorrow’s session

Screenshot 2016-08-17 01.32.43

That lightning badge will be mine tomorrow!
That lightning badge will be mine tomorrow!

 

Archer

Archer

Mount your friends… to the moon?

Player Updates No Comment

I awoke, drenched in glory, cheap women and good whiskey. Yes, this 10 year old bearded god just messed up Brock of Pewter City Gym fame.

Rolling out of bed, not knowing what had gone on. I panicked, realising that I needed to actually achieve something today worth some lame ass writer to blog about in some parallel universe; What a fecking nerd! Anyway, the team strolls out into the mountain passes, enjoying the air and the weak ass punks thinking they can touch us. I then get to a pokecenter and think about healing before I am knocked off my feet. Now to everyone else, this pokecenter is just a normal healing station before taking on Mt Moon, situated just next to it. I innocently stepped towards Nurse Jenny, (you know the hot one, not like Pewter City Jenny!) and then I heard the crunch of alpha on deity like strength. I turn slowly and see in the corner, a man offering a pokemon for a meagre 500 of my coin. He asked me to buy him, I looked at my wallet. I handed him the cash. Jameson joins the team!

Did I f**king stutter?
Did I f**king stutter?

I named this incredible water demi-god Jameson for the simple reason that, just like the whiskey, he will grow better with age. Yes, Charles, you have Smol and I have a Swole Magikarp!

As if that wasn’t enough, I decided I would do a speed run of Mt Moon. I would exit in 5 minutes max. I almost did it. I even beat Gestapo Gimp Rocket

Remember the safe word is Himler...
Remember the safe word is Himler…

But then I got cocky, and tried to take the Super nerd on with just a little bit of HP with Buntd, Jr. and no potions (I haven’t bought any since starting). He kicked me into the ground and I had another 10 minutes added to my bloody Mt Moon run! But alas, I got out and ran out to Cerulean City. Here, I took a brief moment to look back at the monolith I had just traversed to see my end goal in sight. No, good reader, I am not talking about the exit, the elite four, the gym; this is the place I aim to get to in 3 pokemon, 7 badges and a lot of hours time…

Patience, brother
Patience, brother

That man, standing at the precipice of time and story itself, is the gatekeeper to my doom. One way or another, I must return here after all my achievements to duel with a pokemon that has not realised I already have the key to his demise. Oh, how I wish I could tell you, the secret I want to show you my powerful tool that has been with me since the first few steps into this godforsaken land, but I shall save that for you to uncover. Maybe you’ve already realised it. I will make it massively obvious later on in an update, I know this will happen, but do you know?

I awkwardly step back and find myself stuck, something blocking me from behind. I turn to see that ugly little cretin, Ass-hat. I am not ready for this, I didn’t want this fight and it shows when I am left trying to defeat his last pokemon with a f**king magikarp!

Oh, little Jameson. Soon they will see!
Oh, little Jameson. Soon they will see!

He puts me in my place, teaching me humility. I scarpered to the pokecenter with my tail between my legs, and then went back for more. This time, I tasted the sweet nectar of victory once more.

Screenshot 2016-08-16 17.52.59

I am left in a self reflecting moment, in which I am asked a question by my rival simply so he can slam me but he doesn’t realise he’s caused me to question everything I have done so far and question what my move shall be after this. I am being chronicled by a very decent writer, why the hell has he only used this to write an intro and then give me some character as he gives details of my journey. Steve! Listen to me! You’ve written novels, plays, poems, songs and so much more. We need to stop holding back, Steve. Give my story more meaning, let me have the legacy I deserve and let the readers have what they deserve; a damn good story!

We leave you, weary travellers with an update. We are currently on the Golden Bridge of Cerulean City. We have a team of 3 pokemon, after 2 hours and 40 minutes.

Charmeleon (Connery, Lvl 19)

Beedrill (Buntd, Jr., Lvl 13)

Magikarp (Jameson, Lvl 11)

 

When we return, everything will change. A promise we hope to keep.

Archer

First, there was light… then it was lit, son!

Player Updates No Comment

Day one.

I overheard my mother speaking with a gruff man, they spoke in hushed tones. She said she couldn’t do that to her only son and he said he had a plan. I fell asleep to the murmuring from the next room. My dreams are flecked with images of animals that could fight, and the gruff man asking me what I had planned for my summer. He apparently had a grandson, his name is Gary. Gary is an ass-hat. I shall call him Ass-hat from now on. The gruff man pushes me off a ledge and I shrink to a few pixels and as my bedroom door closes, I wake in a cold sweat.

200_s

(Poke) Balls to the dramatic intro, welcome to Dragon run! Steve Archer, aka Beardie, is off at the tender age of 10 with his glorious beard to go take down rival Ass-hat’s Raticate (it will die, it will be mourned, and I will s**t on his dreams). Oak tried to contain me to Pallet town, so I stole his Charmander. Everyone is going Bulbasaur, a wise choice, the first two gyms are gonna be easy for you; one or two have gone for Squirtle, good to see some back bone! Squirtle is starting on Normal difficulty, the first gym is gonna be easy but your game is gonna need to start after that. I went Charmander, because why make things easy for yourself when you’re only allowed 6 pokemon?

Ass-hat tried to stop me, he picked up the Squirtle and challenged me, so I SLAPPED HIM TO THE GROUND!

You're damn right you did, little b**ch!
You’re damn right you did, little b**ch!

By the way, yes, my Charmander is called Connery. This is a reference to Sean Connery, voice of Draco in Dragonheart alongside Dennis Quaid and David Thlewis. YES, I’M THAT GEEK!

After ruining Ass-hat’s “plans to stop me are ruined”, I head north to the Viridian Forest, in which I meet my second team member, the son of Game Grumps legend “Buntd,”. I caught my Weedle in the darkened deeps of the forest after an ambush of fat little rodents called Pikachu’s tried to stop me. THEY ALSO FAILED!!!

We escaped the forest, barely scathed, and headed towards the gym. We got pummelled.

We grinded.

We grinded.

Oh, how we grinded.

And then, somehow, the most beautiful thing happened. Was it a bird? Was it a plane? NO!

Screenshot 2016-08-15 20.36.34

JESUS WEPT! THERE WERE NO MORE PLANETS TO CONQUER!

I went to the Pewter City Gym again and again. I could have took maybe 20-30 minutes, but then after talking to this guy…

I never noticed the resemblance...
I never noticed the resemblance…

I realised that there was no help and I just had to go hard or go home. I sent my children to the slaughter, time and time again. Finally, in the heat of the moment… (telling me what your heart meant) (I couldn’t resist)

 

Screenshot 2016-08-15 21.01.56
“Sit down John, you fat mother f**ker!” (Yes, another Hamilton reference)

 

So, that’s my update. There’s been a lot of stuff happen today. I leave with proof I have beaten the Gym. I have two pokemon (Charmander and Beedrill) and I have played for 1 hour and 45 minutes and have the Boulder badge.

 

Archer, OUT!

Screenshot 2016-08-15 21.09.09