Entry 2: Rock and Roll!

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After a brief rest in Viridian City, Ham and Lil Squirt braved the dark Viridian Forest, full of critters eager to poison and devour them! Fortunately Lil Squirt was pretty tough by this stage, and proved no challenge. None of the Pokémon encountered so far were tempting enough to catch, so the pair reached Pewter City still just a pair. After a brief training montage, it was time to challenge Brock!

Brock fights with his actual fists.
Brock fights with his actual fists.


It was a tough battle, there were many close calls and-

Just kidding. Lil Squirt completely destroyed him. Geodude was pretty impressed too.

"Thumbs up!"
“Thumbs up!”


In the end, Brock awarded me with the prize!

"It's just a badge, kid. You can buy these pretty much anywhere, you know."
“It’s just a badge, kid. You can buy these pretty much anywhere, you know.”


And so it was on to Mt. Moon! With a brief pause to murder the companions of each and every trainer in our way. One lass even gave me the advice: “Avoid fights by not letting anyone see you”, which maybe the other trainers should consider.

And then…something amazing happened!

Oh great, they're a moody teen now.
Oh great, they’re a moody teen now.


After celebrating, Ham and Lil Squirt made it to the Poké Centre outside Mt. Moon, which seemed like a pretty good place to rest.

Current Team:

Lil Squirt (lvl 19).
Lil Squirt (lvl 19).


(I’ll add this to each of my future posts. The blank space will fill up with new members soon!)



Friday, I’m in love

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We last left our brave protagonist, Beardie, contemplating his life choices to date at the edge of the famed Cerulean City Bridge. He had just trounced his rival and proceeded up the bridge, grinding against the 5 contest trainers (though not that sort of grinding, pervert!) and realised that he could finally have a friend as he reached the host of this contest. The dark eyed Marlon Brando wannabe begged for Beardie to join Team Rocket and Beardie accepted with every question but this pathetic moron of a man could not understand that he actually won. So Beardie drove his pokemon into the ground and continued to Bill’s place.

Bill is a massive Jeff Goldblum fan, were you aware? He wanted to bang Geena Davis that much that he replicated the machinery from “The Fly” and sat in waiting for her to come and meet him. Unfortunately a rabid nidoran jumped at him as he sat tinkering and he was morphed into some hideous Nuneaton like creature with webbed hands and inbred tendencies (if you’re from Nuneaton, I apologise, but you chose that life…)

After saving JG or Bill from his predicament, he hastily shoved me out the door. He forced an SS Anne ticket into my hand, begging me to leave him be. I think he was planning on making a talking Cat or something so it could fight a Growlithe (Cats vs Dogs reference, anyone?)

I head back down the hill, a little disheartened. I kick through the leaves and bushes, not caring what should come my way, when suddenly a wild Robert Smith of The Cure fame appears. I have to catch him. If not for me then at least to save him from himself. For those struggling to workout which pokemon this could be, a clue:

I don't care if Monday's black...
I don’t care if Monday’s black…

I run straight to the gym, and challenge every swimmer and his dog to a duel. I even fight the leader, who turns out to be bloody Geena Davis!

Bill wouldn't be happy if he knew what Geena was talking about... ;)
Bill wouldn’t be happy if he knew what Geena was talking about… 😉

I was ecstatic! Elated! I just beat her with a damn Magikarp for Christ sake! I ran down the pass to Vermillion City and jumped on the SS Anne. Nothing could stop me, my heart racing in my chest as I pounce up the steps. Ass-hat collides with me, just as I approach the Captain’s quarters. What the hell is he doing here? I think to myself; and then I realise that this is my moment, My dream to s**t on his dreams, to massacre that little Raticate. I feel the blood lust rush up inside of me. I can’t help myself.

I run at him, we charge into battle. I don’t have any potions, I don’t use any defensive moves. I pin him to the wall from the off. I rip into his team. He’s protecting that sheepish little rodent!

Finally, he sends out the pathetic, mangy, disgusting little thing and I let Connery set fire to him there and then; the flames flickering as reflections in my maniacal eyes.


I black out. Not from loss, but from sheer adrenaline and joy.

When I come too, I realise the Captain has found me and brought me to his cabin. My jeans feel loose…

I couldn't get it on tape, sir. But moments before all I could hear was rubbing
I couldn’t get it on tape, sir. But moments before all I could hear was rubbing

I grab my clothes and the HM for cut that is close by and run. I narrowly escape my kidnapping and watch in relief as the SS Anne floats away. I head towards the gym, hoping for more cannibalistic destruction with my team to take my mind off the idea the Captain is drilling into my…. it’s too much… I can’t cope, Doc

No, please, Beardie. Go on…

I fight everyone, I challenge LT Surge, but he overpowers me time and time again. I feel I am already being punished for enjoying the demise of my foe’s prided pokemon.

And what do you plan to do next, Beardie?

I need sleep, Doc. I need to rest.

Maybe tomorrow, if my medication holds the hallucinations at bay, I may be able to defeat him. But for now, I must go.

It’s okay to admit you’re scared, Beardie. Leave your team and training details on the desk. We’ll talk more in tomorrow’s session

Screenshot 2016-08-17 01.32.43

That lightning badge will be mine tomorrow!
That lightning badge will be mine tomorrow!



Mike Darch

Hank Riker: From the Ashes. Chapter 1 – A new day

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February 27, 1996 – 8:30

My alarm rings at 8:30 for the first time in years and I groan as I smash my pokethemed clock off the side table. I drag my hung over ass out of bed before I fall asleep again and head to the bathroom. I stare at myself in the mirror as I brush my teeth I look in the bathroom mirror and think about the dream I was having. I think it was that weird one again where the Gengar and the Nidoran are fighting and then they embrace and share a passionate kiss.

So weird.












I hate that dream. I spit out the toothpaste goo and look myself in the eye. 29 years old with a scraggy beard, irritated red eyes and a beer gut to top it off.

Hank Riker you handsome Growlithe you.

I shuffle downstairs my body aching with the regret of leaving my bed and I’m greeted by mom who has already made breakfast and she is humming happily to herself , “Morning son, I’m impressed! I didn’t think you could wake up before 1 o’clock anymore.” She teases as she cooks eggs on the hob.

I grunt affirmatively in response as my brain starts to warm up. This unusually chirpy attitude coming from her has a reason behind it I’m sure: she’s been scheming something. A few days ago she made me promise to help old professor Oak with some task or something and since then she’s been all sunbeams.

“I’ve made you some scrambled egg on toast and we’ve got some fresh orange berry juice as well.” She slides the eggs from the frying pan on to my toast and sits down next to me, “I saw the professor out this morning and I said you would be over at 9 o’clock so you have to shovel this down ok?”

“O.K.” I croak out through a mouth full of breakfast.

This breakfast is solid for her, shes definitely scheming something.


I wander outside to a crisp spring morning the early morning rays of light cutting through the thick forest that surrounded the tiny, insignificant Pallet Town. The breakfast was super effective at fighting my hang over but I still have to squint as the sunlight hurts my sad eyes. As my eyes adjust to the bright light of the day I make out some of the denizens of Pallet town starting their daily routine. Hell town is too strong a word for this place, with our population barely tipping over 10 we are more like a loose collection of shanty hobo buildings than an actual settlement. Still we had an official sign in the middle so I guess that makes us legit.

Pallet Town “Shades of your journey await!”

Yep totally legit.

“SCREeee” A noise emanates from around the side of the house as Chuck our households faithful Sandshrew waddles around the corner into view.

“Mornin’ buddy, you finished up churning up the garden all ready for us to plant next seasons batch?” I ask.

“Scree scraa scra!” He responds affirmatively, his little claws dirty and his face happily nodding.

“Nice going dude!” I shoot him a thumbs up, “Well if you hurry you might be lucky enough to catch the tail end of breakfast”

And with a tiny cheer Tucker barged his way into the house where I could hear him immediately making a commotion in the kitchen. Tucker was one of my old Pokemon back from when I still gave a damn, I never had the heart to let him go and he was very useful for the garden work. He was getting on a bit but he still acted fresh from the litter.

I sigh and wander to the edge of town,  I stop at the long grass and scan my eyes deeper into the forest. There was a path back to civilisation through all that nature but you would have never have guessed it from looking. After a few moments I take a step forward into the grass, I wonder how many Pokemon are in front of me right now, just out of sight…

“Leaving so soon?” a familiar voice from behind calls, “Or are you just looking to get your dumbass mauled by some feral Pokemon?”

I turn to see the famous Professor Oak standing there a wry grin slapped on his face. I smile, “Good morning to you too you mean old bastard”.



((So here’s my take on this whole thing, hopefully y’all will dig the style cause I think at this rate I will be finishing my playthrough winter of 2019 at this rate aha)) (more…)


don’t go in the long grass!!!

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So as ive been doing for 17 years i leave my bedroom, say ta rah to my old bean and head for that long grass only to be stopped by that silly old bastard oak. I get dragged to his lab and listen to him waffle on and bloody on and then his scumbag grandson (charles this time round) turns up. I pick bulbasaur as per (he’s a geezer) and go to start this adventure. Charles, thinking he’s cock of the walk (let me tell you, he’s cock of nothing) stops me thinking that damn charmander can beat my bulbasaur (now known as beefcake),


obvs beefcake wipes the floor with him.


Now after i go collect a pacel for oak, i can start on this adventure for reals. In the real world i’m sat in my front room watching the weightlifting and not paying the most attention to beefcake while im doing the grind. after near 2 hours hes evolved before ive even got to brock


Brock was beaten easily and the adventure and grid continued. It dawned on me that i could get magikarp (yay)


but the grind (boo) but ive got plenty to watch on tv so let it begin. a bit over 3 hours game time and ive got beefcake at lv25 and now named deathfish and lv20


I fight my way through mt moon and over nugget bridge. deathfish hits lv25 and my energy runs out so its time for bed. i save just before going to mistys gym and get ready to settle down for the night. the next part of the adventure comes soon……


Mount your friends… to the moon?

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I awoke, drenched in glory, cheap women and good whiskey. Yes, this 10 year old bearded god just messed up Brock of Pewter City Gym fame.

Rolling out of bed, not knowing what had gone on. I panicked, realising that I needed to actually achieve something today worth some lame ass writer to blog about in some parallel universe; What a fecking nerd! Anyway, the team strolls out into the mountain passes, enjoying the air and the weak ass punks thinking they can touch us. I then get to a pokecenter and think about healing before I am knocked off my feet. Now to everyone else, this pokecenter is just a normal healing station before taking on Mt Moon, situated just next to it. I innocently stepped towards Nurse Jenny, (you know the hot one, not like Pewter City Jenny!) and then I heard the crunch of alpha on deity like strength. I turn slowly and see in the corner, a man offering a pokemon for a meagre 500 of my coin. He asked me to buy him, I looked at my wallet. I handed him the cash. Jameson joins the team!

Did I f**king stutter?
Did I f**king stutter?

I named this incredible water demi-god Jameson for the simple reason that, just like the whiskey, he will grow better with age. Yes, Charles, you have Smol and I have a Swole Magikarp!

As if that wasn’t enough, I decided I would do a speed run of Mt Moon. I would exit in 5 minutes max. I almost did it. I even beat Gestapo Gimp Rocket

Remember the safe word is Himler...
Remember the safe word is Himler…

But then I got cocky, and tried to take the Super nerd on with just a little bit of HP with Buntd, Jr. and no potions (I haven’t bought any since starting). He kicked me into the ground and I had another 10 minutes added to my bloody Mt Moon run! But alas, I got out and ran out to Cerulean City. Here, I took a brief moment to look back at the monolith I had just traversed to see my end goal in sight. No, good reader, I am not talking about the exit, the elite four, the gym; this is the place I aim to get to in 3 pokemon, 7 badges and a lot of hours time…

Patience, brother
Patience, brother

That man, standing at the precipice of time and story itself, is the gatekeeper to my doom. One way or another, I must return here after all my achievements to duel with a pokemon that has not realised I already have the key to his demise. Oh, how I wish I could tell you, the secret I want to show you my powerful tool that has been with me since the first few steps into this godforsaken land, but I shall save that for you to uncover. Maybe you’ve already realised it. I will make it massively obvious later on in an update, I know this will happen, but do you know?

I awkwardly step back and find myself stuck, something blocking me from behind. I turn to see that ugly little cretin, Ass-hat. I am not ready for this, I didn’t want this fight and it shows when I am left trying to defeat his last pokemon with a f**king magikarp!

Oh, little Jameson. Soon they will see!
Oh, little Jameson. Soon they will see!

He puts me in my place, teaching me humility. I scarpered to the pokecenter with my tail between my legs, and then went back for more. This time, I tasted the sweet nectar of victory once more.

Screenshot 2016-08-16 17.52.59

I am left in a self reflecting moment, in which I am asked a question by my rival simply so he can slam me but he doesn’t realise he’s caused me to question everything I have done so far and question what my move shall be after this. I am being chronicled by a very decent writer, why the hell has he only used this to write an intro and then give me some character as he gives details of my journey. Steve! Listen to me! You’ve written novels, plays, poems, songs and so much more. We need to stop holding back, Steve. Give my story more meaning, let me have the legacy I deserve and let the readers have what they deserve; a damn good story!

We leave you, weary travellers with an update. We are currently on the Golden Bridge of Cerulean City. We have a team of 3 pokemon, after 2 hours and 40 minutes.

Charmeleon (Connery, Lvl 19)

Beedrill (Buntd, Jr., Lvl 13)

Magikarp (Jameson, Lvl 11)


When we return, everything will change. A promise we hope to keep.


Caterpies of mind.

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Like every aspect of my life (FireflyHamilton, and puberty) I was late to the race. I started a full day and a half later than my fellow Pickymonsters. So I decided to start strong:

Wrong but strong.
Wrong but strong.

I will admit, I spent most of the two days I was meant to be busy thinking of an adequately hilarious name for “Red”. I, however, landed on this one.

Okay, just one more.
Kirsty is the QUEEN of smrts.

So My Butt went for a walk (heh) and met with Prof. Oak who was all “I need you young boys to fulfill my life’s dream of collecting all 150 Pokemon as I am too old and frail to do it myself”…Yeah, sorry about that Professor. That ain’t the plan…

And of course, My Butt met its nemesis…

That B***h Abigail.
That B***h Abigail.

Abigail. AB.I.GAIL. I have a history with Abigail. She’s not girl I’m like “WHAT YOO TALKIN’ TO MA MAYNNN?! IMMA SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT” in real life, no. Nor is she even a real girl. PC Gamers may be familiar with a *certain* Abigail from Chucklefish’s excellent RPG Stardew Valley. Your Gramps gives you a farm in his will, and you leave your dead-end job to become a Farmer in Pelican Town. It’s a calming game (great for the individual with Anxiety). And I was having a delightful ol’ time growing seeds, meeting the townsmen, etc.

Then the Egg Festival came.

We competed to find the most eggs in like a minute. I worked my 8 bit ass off. And Abigail won. Which is fine. I can accept that. BUT I’m also someone who goes “Ah, y’know what? I wanna change the colour of my top- let’s start the game again”. So I did. The Egg Festival came again. AND GUESS WHICH B***h won?! It’s a fix, I tell you! A fix, I say! HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBL-

*coughs awkwardly*

So…I chose a Bulbasaur. He’s called Mr. Pickles.

I’m in Pewter town as we speak, with Mr.Pickles and Heimlich (Caterpie) to my name. Gotta grind some, then it’s time to face this champ:


See you then, folks.

Kirsty x

P.S. Dan, I totally feel for you re. Caterpie. Heimlich was an arse to find.



Dan’s Pokérun: Episode 2

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I’m going to lay this on the line right away: I fucked about in Viridian Forest for an age. So many weedles! So many kakunas! What I wanted was a caterpie and a pikachu, and I was damned if I was going to leave without at least one of them. I was starting to lose hope, but then…


You’ll stay in that ball if you know what’s good for you.


Finally! I had my very own caterpie. A pokémon that hard-sought needs a name that oozes respect, and as such, Crawly Joe was born – a mighty level 3 at time of capture. That, of course, means that the grind had to begin – and oh man. What a grind.


I cannot begin to tell you how boring this battle was.


After this I pushed onwards to Pewter City, where my first visit was a Pokécentre to restore the health and PP of poor Crawly Joe. While I was doing this, I had a thought – Kanto (and, in later generations, the world) has universal free veterinary care for pokémon. It’s a service that’s available to everyone, as often as you like, in practically every city and town. That’s incredible, right? I can’t help but feel like there must be something more to it – something sinister.


Which would certainly give this phrase different connotations.


Wondering about the dark machinations of the socialist poké-health regime, I pressed on. I figured that while I was in Pewter City, I should stop by the gym and see our old friend Brock. I bumped into the first trainer on the way – a diglett and a sandshrew. Easy, right?


I mean, in retrospect, this obviously wasn’t going to go well.


I had forgotten a key fact – Kanye hadn’t learned any grass-type moves except for leech seed. That prolonged things a little, but, inevitably…


Hello darkness my old friend / I’ve come to HM05 at you again


Clearly, this wasn’t going to work. I headed back to Viridian Forest and resumed The Mighty Grind. And then…


I am going to BRING THE PAIN.


Vine whip is the move that makes bulbasaur the blatant choice for your starter. Want to see what vine whip does to a diglett and a sandshrew?


Fuck your little phallic head!


And there we are. I decided to take a break after beating Brock’s first companion trainer – it seemed like a good idea to heal up and get ready for the next one. Apparently after beating me, though, he decided to hit on me.


Negging: Clearly a thing enjoyed by rock-type trainers.
Mike Darch

Turbo Nerd Mike wants to fight!

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I am Mike, just your average turbo nerd from Leicester!

I played the original Pokemon Red when I was a kid and was just blown away by the idea of exploring & traveling a massive in-game world customising a monster posse to my own design. I never finished the original without cheating or any subsequent Pokemon games as I could never bring myself to grind the final distance sadly. I dig the premise of this challenge and I hold no illusion to being able to take first place as I consider myself pretty pants overall at the game. I was way more into the hilarious original anime and the goody friendship idea it was always going on about. I’ve never bothered trying to catch them all and the ones I did capture where just the raddest ones with the most personality.

In my Picky playthrough I think I am gonna do a more story driven RP style blog following the adventures of HANK RIKER! A Pokemon trainer at the washed up age of 29 trying to get his life back together. When he was younger he was a driven poketrainer who would go to any length to be the best. Unfortunately like most of the youth from Kanto the task ultimately broke him. Now unemployed and living with his mother, Hank finds himself forced once again to travel the world on a path of redemption, as he tries to figure out what it really means to be a champion.

Critics are already calling it “A POKEMONMasterpiece!”

I plan to take some creative liberties with the universe because I have always envisioned the game universe to kind of be a lil’ post apocalyptic what with all the wild children cockfighting for money in the streets. It might be garbage but I at least aim to take down the elite 4 trash and crush Mewtwo once and for all! I am ALARMED at the remarkable progress people have made at the end of day 1 I already have a lot of ground to catch up! But I am loving reading through how everyone else is approaching this. Its gonna be cool to see what everyone’s teams are going to be at the end of the game!



And so it starts….

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I believe it was christmas of 1999 when i first got my very own copy of pokemon blue and an awesome see through purple gameboy color to play it on. We were far from a rich family so such an extravagant gift amazed 14 year old me and my old man being the savvy guy he is got me a rechargable battery pack to go with it. I dont know how many hours i put into that game but i took that gameboy everywhere so it was a hell of a lot. My first starter was bulbasaur (screw you charizard fanboys) mostly because razor leaf is an awesome move.

I’ve played every main game to date and loved them all so doing this was a no brainer. Going on this journey again is great and getting to see how everyone else does is going to be fun, so…..let the games begin


First, there was light… then it was lit, son!

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Day one.

I overheard my mother speaking with a gruff man, they spoke in hushed tones. She said she couldn’t do that to her only son and he said he had a plan. I fell asleep to the murmuring from the next room. My dreams are flecked with images of animals that could fight, and the gruff man asking me what I had planned for my summer. He apparently had a grandson, his name is Gary. Gary is an ass-hat. I shall call him Ass-hat from now on. The gruff man pushes me off a ledge and I shrink to a few pixels and as my bedroom door closes, I wake in a cold sweat.


(Poke) Balls to the dramatic intro, welcome to Dragon run! Steve Archer, aka Beardie, is off at the tender age of 10 with his glorious beard to go take down rival Ass-hat’s Raticate (it will die, it will be mourned, and I will s**t on his dreams). Oak tried to contain me to Pallet town, so I stole his Charmander. Everyone is going Bulbasaur, a wise choice, the first two gyms are gonna be easy for you; one or two have gone for Squirtle, good to see some back bone! Squirtle is starting on Normal difficulty, the first gym is gonna be easy but your game is gonna need to start after that. I went Charmander, because why make things easy for yourself when you’re only allowed 6 pokemon?

Ass-hat tried to stop me, he picked up the Squirtle and challenged me, so I SLAPPED HIM TO THE GROUND!

You're damn right you did, little b**ch!
You’re damn right you did, little b**ch!

By the way, yes, my Charmander is called Connery. This is a reference to Sean Connery, voice of Draco in Dragonheart alongside Dennis Quaid and David Thlewis. YES, I’M THAT GEEK!

After ruining Ass-hat’s “plans to stop me are ruined”, I head north to the Viridian Forest, in which I meet my second team member, the son of Game Grumps legend “Buntd,”. I caught my Weedle in the darkened deeps of the forest after an ambush of fat little rodents called Pikachu’s tried to stop me. THEY ALSO FAILED!!!

We escaped the forest, barely scathed, and headed towards the gym. We got pummelled.

We grinded.

We grinded.

Oh, how we grinded.

And then, somehow, the most beautiful thing happened. Was it a bird? Was it a plane? NO!

Screenshot 2016-08-15 20.36.34


I went to the Pewter City Gym again and again. I could have took maybe 20-30 minutes, but then after talking to this guy…

I never noticed the resemblance...
I never noticed the resemblance…

I realised that there was no help and I just had to go hard or go home. I sent my children to the slaughter, time and time again. Finally, in the heat of the moment… (telling me what your heart meant) (I couldn’t resist)


Screenshot 2016-08-15 21.01.56
“Sit down John, you fat mother f**ker!” (Yes, another Hamilton reference)


So, that’s my update. There’s been a lot of stuff happen today. I leave with proof I have beaten the Gym. I have two pokemon (Charmander and Beedrill) and I have played for 1 hour and 45 minutes and have the Boulder badge.


Archer, OUT!

Screenshot 2016-08-15 21.09.09