In place of actual content, some jokes

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Well we’ve been at this for a little while now, and I think it’s safe to say that I’ve achieved absolutely bugger all. But I’ve not been absolutely nothing, I have been using my time to think of a some lovely Pokemon puns for you lovely individuals. So if you’ll forgive me (and I’m including the Pokemon overlord Dan in this) then please enjoy some delightful PokeJokes.


  1. Why don’t Grass Pokemon like Fire attacks? Because it makes their Bulbasaur!
  2. Have you evolved your Pidegey yet? If not, you Pidgeotto!
  3. What do Ground type pokemon have for breakfast? Dugtri’Os!
  4. Can Hitmonlee use Megapunch? No, but Hitmonchan!
  5. Can you guarantee a successful trip to the Safari Zone? No, you just have to take a Chancey

That’s all for now, but I promise there’ll be some real updates coming from me soon. Definitely. Soon. I promise.


Dan’s Pokérun: Episode 3

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It’s been a few days since my last post, and in that time I’ve seen people – particularly Charles – make astounding progress, so it was very clear to me that I needed to make great strides to catch up. At the end of my last post I was at Pewter Gym, having taken out Brock’s friend – so I pushed rapidly and boldy onwards!

…By heading back south and popping to Victory Road to trigger a Rival Battle I’d absolutely forgotten about until this point.


Forgettable, that’s what you are. You hear me? FORGETTABLE.


Sweet, sweet grinding opportunities are never to be missed. At this stage Dickbag offers only paltry resistance, and he’s soon dispatched.


It looks like Kanye’s wearing shades, that’s how easy this was.


Also, the battle has a very nice side-consequence of Crawly Joe’s second evolution into Butterfree – as we all know, the pokémon it’s hardest to let go.


If you think you’re flying off with your friends you can think again young man


I headed back north and decided to face somehow-not-impossibly-blind Gym Leader and all-round sex pest Brock. I thought I’d try and grind Crawly Joe a little more as Kanye still had the level advantage, but at this point he still only has Tackle, and, well.


But headbutting rocks usually goes so well for me!


…So I decide to do the magnanimous thing and let Kanye wipe the fucking floor with him.




And then, Brock tells me what he tells all the girls.


“I can change!”


So there it is – I beat Brock and I got the Boulderbadge! Finally, I begin to push forward! I can feel myself filled with boundless energy and an urge to be THE VERY BEST LIKE NO-ONE EVER WAS. Nothing will stop me in my quest to plough through the remaining gyms and win this challenge! Nothing will slow me d-


Wait, I’m back in Viridian Forest AGAIN?


…Yeah, about that. I’ve got some unfinished business here in Viridian Forest. There’s something I need here that is REALLY going to help me out. So I walk. I walk and I walk. I beat Weedle after Metapod over and over and over again. Until finally. Finally it happens.


Ah, the one I never bothered with in any previous playthrough!


Sweet. All I need to do is make it nice and weak and cap-oh. It’s a level 3.


Easy… Eeeaaasy….


I am tentative. The little yellow bugger manages to paralyse Crawly Joe, but it’s too late. He’s getting balled, and he’s getting balled hard.


You live in there now. You ain’t no special Ash Ketchum Pikachu.


And again the grind begins – I’ve got a team of two in the teens, and a level three Pikachu to catch up. I thought hard about what to name the rat, and I could genuinely only think of one other pop culture character who uses lightning to attack people.


Lightning and boring trade agreements.


On I go to the base of Mt. Moon, where I run into a very charming fellow in the PokéCentre. He’s all patter, this guy.


BANG! And the $500 is gone!


Yep. I buy a Magikarp off of the balding man, and welcome to my team Flopabout! For those who don’t remember, this man charges you $500 for a level 5 Magikarp that knows nothing but Splash, a move which does literally nothing at all.


This seems like a reasonable way to do business.


Anyway, we’ll move on. I head into Mt. Moon, and start to-


Oh for God’s sake


Mt. Moon is a great grinding opportunity. I murder approximately 2.6 million zubats, all the while switching Flopabout in and out, and take on every trainer that I can find.



Where I come from that’ll get you arrested dude


Two things happen while I’m travelling through. Firstly, Kanye is my tank for Mt. Moon, and so gains another couple of levels, leading to this:


Lookit his fat little belly


Secondly, I make another addition to my team! I decided right from the start that I wanted something solid in my team, so step up my shiny new Geodude, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.


I have entitled this picture “The Rock’s Heel Turn”


I realised something I had forgotten from playing this game before, and it’s something that I think needs addressing. Geodudes are pretty tough, normal-type moves barely touch them (although Vine Whip, yeesh) – but their accuracy? My friends, let me tell you a thing. Dwanye “The Rock” Johnson’s accuracy is absolute dogshit.


I have seen this text box many, many times now.


This aside, I continue my grind and bump (ha nice) into – shock – Team Rocket!


McCarthyism is alive and well in Kanto


I despatch them fairly easily, along with the Super Nerd that guards the fossils. After the Super Nerd battle, Flopabout finally hits level 15 – which means…


Light streams down, choirs sing


That’s TEN LEVELS of not a single attack. But now. Now Flopabout can get serious.

The time has come to make a decision, though. You have to pick up one of the fossils to exit Mt. Moon – you don’t necessarily have to take the Pokémon it becomes, however. But as we all know, the choice between these two fossils is more than just which Pokémon is cooler. It’s a matter of order v chaos.




Hey maybe chaos isn’t so bad


I breeze through the next Gym (Misty, the anime girl that white teenagers like to dress as most) because of Palpatine’s way-more-powerful-than-I-remember Thunderbolt, and I grab myself the CascadeBadge!


What, you don’t want to be in the picture?
Hey great! Are you going to teach it- Bubblebeam? Damn it.


After that, it’s off North to see Bill, the dude with all the Pokéknowledge. Oh, except I have to deal with this tool on the way.


I have more balls than you
More balls means I win


That was a remarkably easy battle, helped by the wide range of types that I already have in my party. I push on to Nugget Bridge, where I have to deal with the irritatingly-zig-zag-aligned trainers. These battles don’t cause me any real troubles, and in fact they give me a beautiful moment – Flopabout’s first solo win.


They grow up so fast


At the end I also have to face the Team Rocket whiz who has decided that the best way to try and get trainers to join his cause is to watch them beat five other people, give them $5000, fight them, lose and leave them alone forever. Yep – that’ll work.


Me and Charles talking to people about Pickymon


With this recruitment genius firmly sent packing, I toddle on over to Bill’s house – where I find this mess.


Wow! A talking pokémon! You’ll make me rich!
I’m glad you said that before I trapped you in a tiny ball forever.


I fix Bill’s weird pokémon-merging problem (already covered excellently by Charles and Ben) and I am rewarded with a ticket to get on board the SS Anne, moored in Vermillion. I wander straight there, continuing my grind by annoying people:


I wasn’t! Okay so maybe I heard the word cake


I get to Vermillion, scope the place out a little, then head over to the SS Anne.


This… This isn’t to scale, right? That’s one tiny boat.


Once I’m on board the SS Anne, that’s when things get weird. I fight every trainer in the place (because grind) and end up with conversations from the weird…


Tell that to Charles


…To the frankly creepy.


Um. I’m ten?


One thing that’s become evident here is that I’m kind of crap at taking screenshots at important times. For example, there’s a rival battle here – Dickbag shows up and fights me. And I forgot to screenshot any of it. You know what I did screenshot, though? The end results of that battle.


Oh yes fuck yes
Fucking yes yes oh yay


There we go. I would class that as $500 well-spent, wouldn’t you? Gyarados can also learn Surf, which is going to come in handy later on. I proceed to prevent the captain of the SS Anne from barfing (dude’s a captain! What gives?) and get Cut for my troubles, which I promptly teach to Kanye. I head on out to the closest route and indulge in yet more grinding, which leads to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson evolving into Graveler!


Leaping from the ropes onto some poor fool


So. Bulbasaur, Ivysaur; Caterpie, Metapod, Butterfree; Geodude, Graveler; Magikarp, Gyarados; Pikachu. That’s ten in my Pokédex. You know what that means?



Awwww yissssss.


Yep – I’m going to be the first person to actually be able to light up Rock Tunnel! Others have gone through on memory and outlines – I plan to hit every trainer in there on the way. Because grind. I pop back to Vermillion and head on over to the Gym, where Kanye devastates a small bush.


Kanye a hack? how dare you


Thanks to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Rock Throw (which still misses all the goddamn time), I make short work of Lt. Surge and his cronies.


Then why’d I beat you, huh?


That leaves me at the end of this post. 1500 words and 44 screenshots later, I’ve got 5 pokémon and 3 badges. Phew!

Dave McGuckin

Shut up, Byron – Irish Dave’s Story

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The sun rises on Dave’s 10th birthday; the day that he is due to start his adventure to become a Pokémon master. In whatever post-apocalyptic hellhole this game is set, apparently it’s perfectly normal for children to pack a rucksack and go out into the wild to find and catch small animals with the sole purpose of making them fight each other; be they wild or trained by other people of varying ages; in order to prove that they are the best at making the animals fight.

But who is Dave to question such a scenario? After all, Dave’s only 10. He doesn’t even have a soul yet.

So, he kisses his mother goodbye and heads off into Pallet Town to go and see Professor Oak. Oak is the foremost expert on all Pokémon matters; his knowledge so great that he has entirely forgotten the name of his (presumably only) grandson.

Shut up, Byron.
Shut up, Byron.

While Dave told his mother that he wants to be a Pokémon master; what he actually wants to do is shut Byron up, once and for all. I mean, look at him. He’s clearly a raging dork. I bet he even keeps his wallet in his back pocket, attached to a belt loop with a chain. What a loser.

We all know what happens here – Oak isn’t in the lab, so off we go into the tall grass, only to get called back to the lab at the last moment by the suddenly-present professor. Once there, I do the two most obvious things at this stage.

What a hoss.
What a hoss.

I quickly throw a Potion into Bulbtista to get us through the first stretch of wilderness. By the way, does anyone else find it weird that the guy in the store just hands over the parcel for Professor Oak to a random child?

Yeah, OF COURSE I'll take it to Professor Oak...
Yeah, OF COURSE I’ll take it to Professor Oak…

Like, that seems dangerous; especially considering there’s a custom Pokéball inside. What if he’d picked the wrong kid and I’d just stolen the Pokéball? If he’d given the package to Byron, that thing would never have seen the inside of Oak’s lab. Luckily, he gave it to me, and I’m not an asshole, so:

What a champ.
What a champ.

After swinging by to see his sister and get a Town Map, I head off into the wild once more, focused on my next target – Pewter City, and a Boulderbadge. This is the fight I’m looking forward to the most, because in the Pokémon cartoon, Brock is an indefensible pervert. He hits on every young, attractive female character they meet; with the exceptions only of Misty and Jesse (and I’m fairly certain he’d hit on Jesse if she wasn’t always trying to fight them). Also, he never opens his eyes and I find it very unsettling.

At this stage in the game, I pretty much have no idea what my strategy is going to be for my team; other than giving them all wrestling-related names. The only two Pokémon that I knew I definitely wanted, however, both are attainable right at the beginning of the game; and before long…

Now we're cooking with... well, electric, I guess.
Now we’re cooking with… well, electric, I guess.

Bulbtista gets his first stable-mate in Jericho and, after a little bit of time bullying Kakunas in the Veridian Forest, we head to the Pewter City gym. Brock’s minion presents more than a challenge than I had originally anticipated; but allowing Jericho to take down his Pokémon’s attacking power while absorbing damage for a few turns, before switching out to Bulbtista proves effective. It’s a tactic we repeat for Brock, forgetting that he’s a jerk with a Geodude; a Geodude that KEEP USING DEFENSE CURL and rendering Bulbtista’s Tackle so irrelevant that it takes an eternity to take him down; and leaves only 8 PP on the move for Onix.

Luckily, Bulbtista Levels Up after taking Geodude down… and learns Vine Whip. After a grueling struggle against a Pokémon that is literally just a rock with hands and a face, the enormous rock-snake that follows is beaten with a singular use of Vine Whip.

Maybe if you opened your goddamn eyes, you could've seen what was going to happen. Stupid idiot.
Maybe if you opened your goddamn eyes, you could’ve seen what was going to happen. Stupid idiot.

With the Boulderbadge in our possession, we head off to the PokéCenter to rest. Who knows what challenges await us next?

Irish Dave


Session 14, August 21st

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It was with a bleak heart under a blackened sky that I trudged through sludge-like mud to the Pokécenter of Lavender Town. I could not get the voice of James out of my head as he cackled at my broken warriors and our distorted revelations.

You need not bother to stay in Lavender Town too long?

No, Doc. The idea of Lavender town is that you can explore and run around the cemetery, but ultimately you’re wasting your time if you haven’t got a Silph Scope. This contorted mesh of metal and plastic has the ability to reveal the true identity of any presence that masks itself. For this, I expected to go to Saffron City, home of the Silph Co. but the guards at the border were worked to extreme conditions; they had closed the gates until further notice.

I was headed back on myself when I noticed a small hut by the entrance and realised that, like the underground pass between Cerulean and Vermillion, there was another pass built to the hub of our economy form this very hut. I entered and ran as fast as I could to reach Celadon City, not realising the terrible situation I was about to stumble across.

Ah, yes. You seem to be under the delusion that you – an at the time 10 year old boy – took down the Team Rocket boss in single handed combat.

No, Doc. NO! I used my Pokémon to defeat him.

I apologise, Beardie. It’s been a while since our last session, you fight with these creatures you refer to as Pokémon. Please continue…


The people of Celadon were once a vibrant and joyful people, though the influence of Rocket had taken it’s toll. The Game’s Corner that would usually be packed with kids and grown ups alike, now a seedy bookies where people go for the lack of drink at the local bar. Every person I walked past would barely acknowledge me, for fear I may be a Rocket goon. I went to the local gym, now a hovel where the human trafficking racket was making a steady income, allowing it to stay open as a gym for the morale of the girls. I took pity on these poor women, I could not harm their pets, for that is truly how they viewed their Pokémon; one last friend in this dark and pitiful existence. In reward for this behaviour, I was awarded the Rainbow Badge, giving me a total of 4 badges and the skill to control up to level 50 Pokémon! I couldn’t let this go on, this had to be stopped. I don’t remember too much of what happened next, as I blacked out with rage.

I remember entering the Game’s Corner, approaching a man that seemed overly possessive of the poster hanging on the wall, looking for recruitment. We duelled and after a harsh defeat he ran into the basement. In hot pursuit, I chased after him, not knowing what lay down there in the murky depths. I seem to remember some complex floor patterns that allowed you to travel to the end of the corridors, with trick patterns that would lead you back on yourself. It took me mere moments to realise the pattern, based off something I had played as a child, and charged through the seemingly deserted basement…

Until he stood before me.

Beardie, it’s been a long and arduous session. Let’s leave it there for today.

But Doc, I defeated him and got into Saffron City!

You have told me, Beardie. It’s time for your medication. Go see the nurse on your way out and we’ll continue this tomorrow.

I can do more, Doc! Please, I feel like this is helping me work through this.

We shall see how you feel after meal time. If you are up to another session, we’ll take it from there.

Oh, thanks Doc. I feel loads better just getting that memory out of my head.

Until next time, Beardie


2 new members!?!?!?!?

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so we come back to the journey at an interesting point…..

I head into mistys gym ready to collect my second badge. After beefcake takes care of her cronies its onto the big fight. after a beautiful set of vine whips misty is defeated and im up another badge, ok ok ok, ive got the type advantage but with the grind and the fact beefcake is doublehard, no one can stop me.


Im hearing talk of a guy who has some rare pokemon so i head north. after deathfish takes out most of the trainers we fially arrive at bills house. i go in but bills nowhere to be seen, theres just an abomination half pokemon half human. im about to send deathfish in for the kill only to find that thats bill!!!! he tried to use a teleporter, did he learn nothing from jeff goldblum!!! after helping him turn back into a human he thanks me by giving me a ticket to the ss anne. i take a sneaky look on his pc to register some eeveelutions before i head off. now its back to the action. i leave bills and head south, all the way to vermilion city in search of my next badge.

after speaking to 2 very nice old men im now in possession of an old rod and a bike voucher. i spot some trainers and long grass so because i love the grind i head in. im met by 2 different pokemon and cant decide who to catch so i thought fuck it, ill take both….

First is drowzee, now known as sandman


second is elvis (5 points to the first one to tell me why)


they were lv 12 and 14 so its back to the grind……..

once we’re up to a decent level it’ll be back to the adventure but until then……

Dave McGuckin

Hey! You look like a Pokémon trainer!

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Imagine that two of your closest friends have started a super-nerdy project, involving a run-through of Pokémon Red where you can only catch 6 Pokémon in total. Imagine looking at that, and wanting to do it but… do you really have time? Can your phone, a Nokia Lumia running Windows 8, actually install an emulator which will work? Do you have any idea how you would even go about doing this task?

So, you decide not to partake at this time. Maybe at a later date, once the workload has dried up a little and you can denote a little more time to not catching them all. But… you have a Gameboy Advance upstairs… with Pokémon Red… maybe a little normal playthrough, just to familiarise yourself with the game. That’d be fine!

So, you start. And you pick Bulbasaur. And by the time you reach Brock’s gym in Pewter City, you’ve amassed a team of Ratata, Pidgey, Pikachu, Butterfree and Beedrill, all at Level 10 – which is a  LOT of grinding. You take Brock down and get yourself a Boulder Badge.


And then you forget to save. And you haven’t saved since you first picked up Bulbasaur…

You damn right it is.
You damn right it is.


Let’s do this.



Down with the Sickness

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Did I ever tell you the story of how I was commited?

It’s not an easy subject, I know. It all started on the day I entered Lavender Town. I know, dearest reader, I left you last in the throws of war against LT Surge; it will all become clear in time…

Operation Yewtree had yet to reach the Kanto region...
Operation Yewtree had yet to reach the Kanto region…

Meet James. James is a Pokemaniac. James likes to challenge weary travellers just escaping Rock Tunnel. James is a class A c**t.

I exploded out of the Vermillion City gym once more, only this time I had victory in my grasp and the Lightning badge to add to it. I had calmed from my bloodlust previous to that day and had reached a cool and relaxed state of mind; akin to the state of mind I reach whilst listening to Bob Ross. I strolled along the sea front, knowing that my destination was to bear no fruits of any value. I looked up at Diglet Cave and took a deep breath. This adventure was not one that I would be taking. No, kind viewer, I were not mad (yet) and I had complete confidence in the fact that I would not need to traverse this narrow and repugnant crevasse.

I headed back to Cerulean, checked in at the bicycle store and exchanged a voucher for another means of transportation. I then headed East to the lonely and desolate Rock tunnel…

Naïve and cocky
Naïve and cocky

I entered the cave, to find that I couldn’t see my hand before me. Then I started to notice a translucent light around me…

Russian tea makers store their fine china here?
Russian tea makers store their fine china here?

I couldn’t tell exactly what was causing it, maybe it was the pollution of pokemon battles built up in this cavernous space, but the walls radiated a small glow. Though this would not help me get through alone, I must turn to that writer – once referred to in a previous post – to explain why I shouldn’t be so alarmed.

So, Hi! Steve here.

Sorry to interrupt the text but I’d like to admit a tiny bit of cheating here. Not exactly cheating but an upper hand to the other Pickymon players. I have picked up Fire Red several times over the past three years and played through for funsies; thus I have a bit of an extensive knowledge of the maps and routes, so I don’t need Flash to get through and that’s how I got through Mt Moon so quickly. Also will explain in a few posts time how I can do Arcade Floor Puzzles, Silph Co, Kogi’s Gym, possibly Sea Foam isles, and Indigo Plateau. (If I remember the last one at all!)

Anyway, just thought I’d point that out, sorry to the gang for not pointing this out. Kirsty knew, and she’s adorable so you can’t be angry at her. Back to Beardie…

I passed through the first two sections of Rock Tunnel with relative ease. I had to return to the Pokecenter on the third section and then I retraced my steps towards the fourth and had another Pokecenter call. Finally I reached the fifth and exit section. I climbed the ladder into the sunlight. A cacophony of birdsong and breeze hit me and I cannot help but whistle and stick my hands in my pockets. As you leave Rock Tunnel you have a choice in ways to approach Lavender Town

Left, a few hills to jump over. Right, my date with destiny...
Left, a few hills to jump over. Right, my date with destiny…

I mounted my bike, turned into the direction of the sloping entrance and took off. Knowing that trainers liked to hang around the hilly left entrance, and my team near exhaustion from a very testing fight through the tunnels, we sped off.

That’s when James appeared.

I didn’t notice him come out of the bushes edging the pathway.

“Want to see my pokemon?” He cackled, rubbing his legs and masticating relentlessly.

I blacked out.


The doctor took me back to the pokecenter, fixed up my pokemon. He gave me tea and rich tea biscuits. I felt confused and alone. I didn’t know what had happened. I stepped outside…



I don’t remember much of the second journey. I think I got back to Lavender Town, well, I know that much and the papers will tell so many stories of what happened there.

In the dead of the night, I crept back into Lavender Town. I found James’ little hut just down by the river, and I took the fishing wire from my old rod and I garrotted him.


I have been here for so long, and nobody has ever asked me about that story. Yet the worst is yet to come, for they didn’t catch me until much later into my quest.

Sweet dreams,

Beardie x





Entry 3: A New Friend!

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Alright, I’m going to try sticking to a first-person past-tense perspective from now on, because I kept slipping in and out of whatever I was doing the last few entries in.

Anyway, Mt. Moon! This area was the best and the worst place so far. First of all, after exploring the first area and fighting a few trainers, I ran into a Super Nerd!

He's not a model, he just always poses like that.
He’s not a model, he just always poses like that.


This was a fight I was really scared of, since this guy had a magnemite and a voltorb. Both electric types, against the only Pokémon I had (water type). Fortunately, they only used tackle, so it was an easy win.


After going down a level, I ran into a wild paras. I was tempted by a grass type, but ultimately decided to murder it instead.

I ran into Team Rocket for the first time, and kicked their butts, then I caught a wild Clefairy, which I named Luna.

Hello, new friend!
Hello, new friend!


Next I battled a few more trainers, including a weirdo who was apparently trying to show off to girls in that spooky cave. I found a moon stone to evolve dear sweet Luna later, and decided to head back to the Poké Centre to heal my friends. And then…DISASTER.

I accidentally clicked “load” on the emulator, instead of “save”, and lost about 40 minutes of progress, including precious Luna.

So I went back and did it all again, adding Luna (Two) to my team.

Hello new new friend!
Hello, new new friend!


After training them until they learned “sing”, I went to fight more Team Rocket goons.



These guys were looking for the fossils, but didn’t think to check slightly north of where they were? Anyway, I beat the other Super Nerd guarding the fossils…



And then I chose the Dome Fossil. I’ll worry about whether or not I actually want that Pokémon later, a kabuto might be cool (but I already have a water type).

Before long, I had finally made it to Cerulean City!

You mean the Pokédex? Oh yeah, I'm sure I'll fill that RIGHT up soon.
You mean the Pokédex? Oh yeah, I’m sure I’ll fill that RIGHT up soon.


Beating Misty was no problem at all, Luna (Two) is a beast! In fact, I didn’t really have any trouble until leaving town.

Oh god no I'm not ready for this!
Oh god no I’m not ready for this!


This was a much much closer battle, and I’m sure would have been near-impossible if his bulbasaur knew a better grass move than leech seed.

After beating him and the fools along the bridge, I fought some more nondescript trainers on my way to see Bill.

No way it took me forever to get one!
No way it took me forever to get one!


Bill seemed to have merged himself with a Pokémon, which is weird. He wouldn’t say what type though. But after separating them, Bill comes out of one teleporter but the Pokémon never emerged. Is it just dead?

Current Team:

Lil Squirt (lvl 25), Luna (Two) (lvl 22).
Lil Squirt (lvl 25), Luna (Two) (lvl 22).


Mike Darch

Hank Riker: From the Ashes. Chapter 2 – The Professor

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February 27, 1996 – 9:04

Professor Sam Oak. He had lived in this town as long as I could remember and in that time he hadn’t changed one bit. He was a tall man in his late 50’s, he always seemed to wear a worn but clean labcoat and he carried an air of authority about him. In Kanto most folk built their professional lives around Pokemon and Oak was no exception. He had devoted most of his life to studying Pokemon and rebuilding our Pokeknowledge from the cataclysmic events leading to the end of the last resource war 40 years ago. He chuckled,

“I’m only a mean old bastard when I haven’t had my morning coffee, If you come to the lab I can get one of the interns to boil us up some and get you up to speed on the job”.

I smile, “yeah sounds good. What’s this job about then anyway?”

“I will tell you back at the lab, this morning air is refreshing but its starting to seep into these old joints” he said clasping his hands together and rubbing them for warmth.

I liked Oak. He spoke with a warm confidence that put you at ease.


The walk to the lab only took a couple of minutes as we weaved our way around the few houses randomly shotgunned into the forest clearing that housed Pallet Town. The houses were mostly small log cabins, made from simple resources found within the local region. The people who lived here were hardy folk, there were no shops or civic buildings. Just hard-working people trying to live it out away from all the noise of the cities.

Well all of them except for me of course. Sure I help mom with all sorts of tasks but really the only thing I really spent my time doing was perfecting the art of making moonshine. Sweet, sweet moonshine. I called it Jiggly’s lullaby for obvious reasons.


The closest thing to any official building was Oak’s lab. It was a neat building made from honest to Arceus bricks and mortar with a roof covered with solar panels and windmills. Oak shared my hatred for the government and was seriously off the grid.  The lab, besides fueling Oaks science, occasionally used its resources to craft some of the more difficult to obtain items for the towns people. We’re talking glass, wiring, tools, all sorts of stuff that someone miles from civilisation might need. It stood solitary at the edge of town and once there we didn’t hesitate to get inside.

The neat exterior, however gave no clue as to the mess concealed inside. ‘Clusterfuck of technology’ is how I would describe it. Filled to the brim with supercomputers, books, beakers, microscopes and a lot of other science stuff that I can’t identify. His interns and aides greet us as we come in and the coffee is distributed as promised. Tastes like Muk, harsh and strong. Oh yeah, this combined with breakfast has me fast returning to a normal functioning member of society.

“I’ve got something to show you” Oak said gesturing me between some book cases into a quiet, dark nook of the lab. As we walk through we are met by a unsually clear table, on it are 3 Pokemon balls placed in a very particular fashion.

My stomach drops,

I have seen this arrangement before. It was over a decade ago in this very building, a thousand memories hit me and swirl round my head. Most of them bad.

“The hells this?” I murmur.

“Oh you don’t know bro?” A male voice emanates from the other side of the table, the room’s dim light obscuring a tall figure. “We’re about to make history”.

“Ahh you’re here already! Good, Goooood” Oak wanders over and flicks a switch that slowly opens the blinds allowing light to slowly filter in. “I was worried you might sleep in!” Oak jokes as he walks over to the table.

As light fills the room I see who the figure is, its none other than Professor Oaks grandson. Dwayne Oak.

He steps up to the table, not breaking eye contact with me the entire time.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world, gramps! Today I choose a Pokemon that will make me a Pokemon champion”




((Hank Riker Trivia, IMO Dwayne is the least heroic name there is out there, sorry to all Dwaynes out there!)


Harriet Langley

You Bulba Believe It

Introductions, Player Updates 3 Comments

I’m Harriet and I haven’t played Pokemon Red since I was in single figures, and have more recent, fonder memories of its remake – Fire Red on the magical device that was the Gameboy Advance SP. Taking some inspiration from Game Grumps, my trainer is called ‘I NEVER’, because I need a couple of silly screengrabs to punctuate these posts.

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Jumping right it, I’m being strategic for the first time and not seizing the fire starter type (pyro might have been a better name…). ‘Brussel sprout’ wouldn’t fit in the name field, so ‘A sprout’ will have to do for my Bulbasaur. The first two gyms will be some easy wins, and while he wasn’t my go to first choice, there’s something endearing about the BULBous growth on my lil sprout.Pokemon - Red Version (USA, Europe)_06After some grinding to level 15, I thought I’d tackle the gym in Viridian City – I have terrible memories of grinding one pokemon and not bothering with gyms (10 year old Harriet wasn’t too savvy with the whole ‘beat the gyms and then the pokemon league’ aspect of pokemon). So rather than have my pokemon disobey me and face an embarrassing loss to the first gym, I made peace with grinding to level 15. Vine whipped and primed for battle, Brock was a total breeze! (It was no loop of trying to beat a gym with Charmander’s ember).

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The next Gym is a certain win, and now I have to put some thought into how I want to build my team. Usually by now I’d have a Ratatta, a Pidgey, and maybe a Weedle if I felt ‘extravagant’. The temptation to grab a Pikachu from Viridian Forrest was hard to ignore, but before I load my the emulator again I’m gonna have a long, hard, (so-boring-it’ll-never-become-an-anecdote) think about when to use the 5 catches I have. It goes against the completionest in me, and I won’t be checking in with Oak for him to berate me on my six caught pokemon, But while I decide on my catches, I’m going to continue laughing at my Rival’s name and all the screengrabs I can…well…grab of rival encounters!

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