About the author : Musician. Actor. Writer. Madman.

Damn you, Phil Collins!

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I want to talk about doubts. I want to go back to that moment James ruined my run of Rock Tunnel and ask the important question;

“Was it James, or was it me?”

So the last time I spoke about my sessions and what I’d been telling the Doc, I explained I’d just ran through Celadon, defeated Giovanni and got through to Saffron. Saffron City. I feel the tear rolling down my cheek as I type those words. But Saffron comes later, at the moment it acts like a bypass to my needed destination, Pokémon Tower, Lavender Town.

I climbed the tower with relative ease, not too many things getting in the way. It’s a creepy place and the women all remind me of that great aunt who has flashbacks and spits her teeth out. Ass-hat is there, and I genuinely feel bad when I realise it’s my fault that he’s there. Mourning his Raticate that I violently and brutally murdered. He’s taking it like a champ, I mean a true and wonderful Pokémon master. I dispatch his team in our friendly battle we ensue and continue up the tower, my run in with Giovanni was quite helpful as the device he dropped whilst fleeing allows me to get to the top floor where his gimps sit guarding a defenceless old man.

At this point I add a new member to my team – number 5 – with a Gastly who later evolves into a Haunter, affectionately nicknamed Ryuk. (It feels slightly weird being a crazy person and having a friend called Ryuk, but I won’t make Light of the situation…..) ((I’m sorry to all the Deathnote fans))

After meeting with Mr Fujjjijjijijijjijjji or whatever his name was at his place, he gives me the Pokéflute and I make a wrong turn.

According to the other patients here, you actually take the bridge route down to Fuschia City at this point, but my sense of moral standing remembers the sights at Celadon and how the mafia like Team Rocket were trying to do the same in Saffron. So I turn my back on the bridge and I head to Saffron City. I run head first into Silph Co. and dispatch as many villains as possible, even finding Ass-hat hitched up with some scientist in a small room (it’s 2016, he can love anyone he wants to).

I finally make my way to the CEO’s office to find Giovanni standing there, big as you like, and I can’t help but look at him and think…


He don't half look like Phil Collins
He don’t half look like Phil Collins



Jovial anecdote aside, I thrash Giovanni with a final push to freedom, hoping now that I – a 10 year old boy – have shamed him and his team countless times, he will finally go away for good! In such a exciting stupor I skip to the Pokécenter, heal up and run into the Saffron City Gym. I struggle a few times to beat her first 2 Pokémon, both around level 35, and after the first few times I actually do something I haven’t done this entire time; I go to the Pokémart and buy potions!

My medication starts to kick in after this, I can feel the hazy edges of my brain clawing in at my vision and I take stock of my surrounds.

Right, I'm gonna get the Marsh Badge this time...
Right, I’m gonna get the Marsh Badge this time…

And I genuinely beat her. It’s 3am in the morning and my mind is burning with the intoxicants of my pills but I know in my heart it was worth it. I collapse in a mess on the floor.


In the foggy, bleak Thursday I trudge into the help circle. Everyone is a little confused by the progress chart on the wall. Our assistant Doctor has been keeping track of us and he’s done a real pretty display (go on, it’s linked there) which has been botched my miscommunication on my half. I explain to the AD that I had finished my 5 round of treatme… GYM! I had beat the Saffron City Gym, he asks me to open my badge case that shows my progress. I hadn’t got it, something was wrong. It also was after another badge. Nobody mentioned I had to do something else before hand, these tablets are too much as it is. I can’t take more, I’m just a man for Christ’s Sake!!!!

Screenshot 2016-08-25 13.10.27

I guess I’ll go find out what the missing link was…

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