Dan

Dan’s Pokérun: Episode 3

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It’s been a few days since my last post, and in that time I’ve seen people – particularly Charles – make astounding progress, so it was very clear to me that I needed to make great strides to catch up. At the end of my last post I was at Pewter Gym, having taken out Brock’s friend – so I pushed rapidly and boldy onwards!

…By heading back south and popping to Victory Road to trigger a Rival Battle I’d absolutely forgotten about until this point.

 

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Forgettable, that’s what you are. You hear me? FORGETTABLE.

 

Sweet, sweet grinding opportunities are never to be missed. At this stage Dickbag offers only paltry resistance, and he’s soon dispatched.

 

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It looks like Kanye’s wearing shades, that’s how easy this was.

 

Also, the battle has a very nice side-consequence of Crawly Joe’s second evolution into Butterfree – as we all know, the pokémon it’s hardest to let go.

 

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If you think you’re flying off with your friends you can think again young man

 

I headed back north and decided to face somehow-not-impossibly-blind Gym Leader and all-round sex pest Brock. I thought I’d try and grind Crawly Joe a little more as Kanye still had the level advantage, but at this point he still only has Tackle, and, well.

 

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But headbutting rocks usually goes so well for me!

 

…So I decide to do the magnanimous thing and let Kanye wipe the fucking floor with him.

 

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Geo-DAMN, SON.

 

And then, Brock tells me what he tells all the girls.

 

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“I can change!”

 

So there it is – I beat Brock and I got the Boulderbadge! Finally, I begin to push forward! I can feel myself filled with boundless energy and an urge to be THE VERY BEST LIKE NO-ONE EVER WAS. Nothing will stop me in my quest to plough through the remaining gyms and win this challenge! Nothing will slow me d-

 

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Wait, I’m back in Viridian Forest AGAIN?

 

…Yeah, about that. I’ve got some unfinished business here in Viridian Forest. There’s something I need here that is REALLY going to help me out. So I walk. I walk and I walk. I beat Weedle after Metapod over and over and over again. Until finally. Finally it happens.

 

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Ah, the one I never bothered with in any previous playthrough!

 

Sweet. All I need to do is make it nice and weak and cap-oh. It’s a level 3.

 

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Easy… Eeeaaasy….

 

I am tentative. The little yellow bugger manages to paralyse Crawly Joe, but it’s too late. He’s getting balled, and he’s getting balled hard.

 

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You live in there now. You ain’t no special Ash Ketchum Pikachu.

 

And again the grind begins – I’ve got a team of two in the teens, and a level three Pikachu to catch up. I thought hard about what to name the rat, and I could genuinely only think of one other pop culture character who uses lightning to attack people.

 

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Lightning and boring trade agreements.

 

On I go to the base of Mt. Moon, where I run into a very charming fellow in the PokéCentre. He’s all patter, this guy.

 

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BANG! And the $500 is gone!

 

Yep. I buy a Magikarp off of the balding man, and welcome to my team Flopabout! For those who don’t remember, this man charges you $500 for a level 5 Magikarp that knows nothing but Splash, a move which does literally nothing at all.

 

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This seems like a reasonable way to do business.

 

Anyway, we’ll move on. I head into Mt. Moon, and start to-

 

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Oh for God’s sake

 

Mt. Moon is a great grinding opportunity. I murder approximately 2.6 million zubats, all the while switching Flopabout in and out, and take on every trainer that I can find.

 

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Where I come from that’ll get you arrested dude

 

Two things happen while I’m travelling through. Firstly, Kanye is my tank for Mt. Moon, and so gains another couple of levels, leading to this:

 

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Lookit his fat little belly

 

Secondly, I make another addition to my team! I decided right from the start that I wanted something solid in my team, so step up my shiny new Geodude, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

 

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I have entitled this picture “The Rock’s Heel Turn”

 

I realised something I had forgotten from playing this game before, and it’s something that I think needs addressing. Geodudes are pretty tough, normal-type moves barely touch them (although Vine Whip, yeesh) – but their accuracy? My friends, let me tell you a thing. Dwanye “The Rock” Johnson’s accuracy is absolute dogshit.

 

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I have seen this text box many, many times now.

 

This aside, I continue my grind and bump (ha nice) into – shock – Team Rocket!

 

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McCarthyism is alive and well in Kanto

 

I despatch them fairly easily, along with the Super Nerd that guards the fossils. After the Super Nerd battle, Flopabout finally hits level 15 – which means…

 

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Light streams down, choirs sing

 

That’s TEN LEVELS of not a single attack. But now. Now Flopabout can get serious.

The time has come to make a decision, though. You have to pick up one of the fossils to exit Mt. Moon – you don’t necessarily have to take the Pokémon it becomes, however. But as we all know, the choice between these two fossils is more than just which Pokémon is cooler. It’s a matter of order v chaos.

 

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PRAISE HELIX

 

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Hey maybe chaos isn’t so bad

 

I breeze through the next Gym (Misty, the anime girl that white teenagers like to dress as most) because of Palpatine’s way-more-powerful-than-I-remember Thunderbolt, and I grab myself the CascadeBadge!

 

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What, you don’t want to be in the picture?
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Hey great! Are you going to teach it- Bubblebeam? Damn it.

 

After that, it’s off North to see Bill, the dude with all the Pokéknowledge. Oh, except I have to deal with this tool on the way.

 

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I have more balls than you
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More balls means I win

 

That was a remarkably easy battle, helped by the wide range of types that I already have in my party. I push on to Nugget Bridge, where I have to deal with the irritatingly-zig-zag-aligned trainers. These battles don’t cause me any real troubles, and in fact they give me a beautiful moment – Flopabout’s first solo win.

 

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They grow up so fast

 

At the end I also have to face the Team Rocket whiz who has decided that the best way to try and get trainers to join his cause is to watch them beat five other people, give them $5000, fight them, lose and leave them alone forever. Yep – that’ll work.

 

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Me and Charles talking to people about Pickymon

 

With this recruitment genius firmly sent packing, I toddle on over to Bill’s house – where I find this mess.

 

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Wow! A talking pokémon! You’ll make me rich!
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I’m glad you said that before I trapped you in a tiny ball forever.

 

I fix Bill’s weird pokémon-merging problem (already covered excellently by Charles and Ben) and I am rewarded with a ticket to get on board the SS Anne, moored in Vermillion. I wander straight there, continuing my grind by annoying people:

 

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I wasn’t! Okay so maybe I heard the word cake

 

I get to Vermillion, scope the place out a little, then head over to the SS Anne.

 

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This… This isn’t to scale, right? That’s one tiny boat.

 

Once I’m on board the SS Anne, that’s when things get weird. I fight every trainer in the place (because grind) and end up with conversations from the weird…

 

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Tell that to Charles

 

…To the frankly creepy.

 

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Um. I’m ten?
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I’M TEN

 

One thing that’s become evident here is that I’m kind of crap at taking screenshots at important times. For example, there’s a rival battle here – Dickbag shows up and fights me. And I forgot to screenshot any of it. You know what I did screenshot, though? The end results of that battle.

 

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Oh yes fuck yes
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Fucking yes yes oh yay

 

There we go. I would class that as $500 well-spent, wouldn’t you? Gyarados can also learn Surf, which is going to come in handy later on. I proceed to prevent the captain of the SS Anne from barfing (dude’s a captain! What gives?) and get Cut for my troubles, which I promptly teach to Kanye. I head on out to the closest route and indulge in yet more grinding, which leads to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson evolving into Graveler!

 

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Leaping from the ropes onto some poor fool

 

So. Bulbasaur, Ivysaur; Caterpie, Metapod, Butterfree; Geodude, Graveler; Magikarp, Gyarados; Pikachu. That’s ten in my Pokédex. You know what that means?

 

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Awwww yissssss.

 

Yep – I’m going to be the first person to actually be able to light up Rock Tunnel! Others have gone through on memory and outlines – I plan to hit every trainer in there on the way. Because grind. I pop back to Vermillion and head on over to the Gym, where Kanye devastates a small bush.

 

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Kanye a hack? how dare you

 

Thanks to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Rock Throw (which still misses all the goddamn time), I make short work of Lt. Surge and his cronies.

 

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Then why’d I beat you, huh?

 

That leaves me at the end of this post. 1500 words and 44 screenshots later, I’ve got 5 pokémon and 3 badges. Phew!

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1 Comment

  • Charles on August 24, 2016

    Most pressing question from this: does WordPress autocapitalise WordPress like that?

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