Dave McGuckin

Shut up, Byron – Irish Dave’s Story

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The sun rises on Dave’s 10th birthday; the day that he is due to start his adventure to become a Pokémon master. In whatever post-apocalyptic hellhole this game is set, apparently it’s perfectly normal for children to pack a rucksack and go out into the wild to find and catch small animals with the sole purpose of making them fight each other; be they wild or trained by other people of varying ages; in order to prove that they are the best at making the animals fight.

But who is Dave to question such a scenario? After all, Dave’s only 10. He doesn’t even have a soul yet.

So, he kisses his mother goodbye and heads off into Pallet Town to go and see Professor Oak. Oak is the foremost expert on all Pokémon matters; his knowledge so great that he has entirely forgotten the name of his (presumably only) grandson.

Shut up, Byron.
Shut up, Byron.

While Dave told his mother that he wants to be a Pokémon master; what he actually wants to do is shut Byron up, once and for all. I mean, look at him. He’s clearly a raging dork. I bet he even keeps his wallet in his back pocket, attached to a belt loop with a chain. What a loser.

We all know what happens here – Oak isn’t in the lab, so off we go into the tall grass, only to get called back to the lab at the last moment by the suddenly-present professor. Once there, I do the two most obvious things at this stage.

What a hoss.
What a hoss.
SHUT UP, BYRON.
SHUT UP, BYRON.

I quickly throw a Potion into Bulbtista to get us through the first stretch of wilderness. By the way, does anyone else find it weird that the guy in the store just hands over the parcel for Professor Oak to a random child?

Yeah, OF COURSE I'll take it to Professor Oak...
Yeah, OF COURSE I’ll take it to Professor Oak…

Like, that seems dangerous; especially considering there’s a custom Pokéball inside. What if he’d picked the wrong kid and I’d just stolen the Pokéball? If he’d given the package to Byron, that thing would never have seen the inside of Oak’s lab. Luckily, he gave it to me, and I’m not an asshole, so:

What a champ.
What a champ.

After swinging by to see his sister and get a Town Map, I head off into the wild once more, focused on my next target – Pewter City, and a Boulderbadge. This is the fight I’m looking forward to the most, because in the Pokémon cartoon, Brock is an indefensible pervert. He hits on every young, attractive female character they meet; with the exceptions only of Misty and Jesse (and I’m fairly certain he’d hit on Jesse if she wasn’t always trying to fight them). Also, he never opens his eyes and I find it very unsettling.

At this stage in the game, I pretty much have no idea what my strategy is going to be for my team; other than giving them all wrestling-related names. The only two Pokémon that I knew I definitely wanted, however, both are attainable right at the beginning of the game; and before long…

Now we're cooking with... well, electric, I guess.
Now we’re cooking with… well, electric, I guess.

Bulbtista gets his first stable-mate in Jericho and, after a little bit of time bullying Kakunas in the Veridian Forest, we head to the Pewter City gym. Brock’s minion presents more than a challenge than I had originally anticipated; but allowing Jericho to take down his Pokémon’s attacking power while absorbing damage for a few turns, before switching out to Bulbtista proves effective. It’s a tactic we repeat for Brock, forgetting that he’s a jerk with a Geodude; a Geodude that KEEP USING DEFENSE CURL and rendering Bulbtista’s Tackle so irrelevant that it takes an eternity to take him down; and leaves only 8 PP on the move for Onix.

Luckily, Bulbtista Levels Up after taking Geodude down… and learns Vine Whip. After a grueling struggle against a Pokémon that is literally just a rock with hands and a face, the enormous rock-snake that follows is beaten with a singular use of Vine Whip.

Maybe if you opened your goddamn eyes, you could've seen what was going to happen. Stupid idiot.
Maybe if you opened your goddamn eyes, you could’ve seen what was going to happen. Stupid idiot.

With the Boulderbadge in our possession, we head off to the PokéCenter to rest. Who knows what challenges await us next?

Irish Dave

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