Archer

About the author : Musician. Actor. Writer. Madman.

Down with the Sickness

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Did I ever tell you the story of how I was commited?

It’s not an easy subject, I know. It all started on the day I entered Lavender Town. I know, dearest reader, I left you last in the throws of war against LT Surge; it will all become clear in time…

Operation Yewtree had yet to reach the Kanto region...
Operation Yewtree had yet to reach the Kanto region…

Meet James. James is a Pokemaniac. James likes to challenge weary travellers just escaping Rock Tunnel. James is a class A c**t.

I exploded out of the Vermillion City gym once more, only this time I had victory in my grasp and the Lightning badge to add to it. I had calmed from my bloodlust previous to that day and had reached a cool and relaxed state of mind; akin to the state of mind I reach whilst listening to Bob Ross. I strolled along the sea front, knowing that my destination was to bear no fruits of any value. I looked up at Diglet Cave and took a deep breath. This adventure was not one that I would be taking. No, kind viewer, I were not mad (yet) and I had complete confidence in the fact that I would not need to traverse this narrow and repugnant crevasse.

I headed back to Cerulean, checked in at the bicycle store and exchanged a voucher for another means of transportation. I then headed East to the lonely and desolate Rock tunnel…

Naïve and cocky
Naïve and cocky

I entered the cave, to find that I couldn’t see my hand before me. Then I started to notice a translucent light around me…

Russian tea makers store their fine china here?
Russian tea makers store their fine china here?

I couldn’t tell exactly what was causing it, maybe it was the pollution of pokemon battles built up in this cavernous space, but the walls radiated a small glow. Though this would not help me get through alone, I must turn to that writer – once referred to in a previous post – to explain why I shouldn’t be so alarmed.

So, Hi! Steve here.

Sorry to interrupt the text but I’d like to admit a tiny bit of cheating here. Not exactly cheating but an upper hand to the other Pickymon players. I have picked up Fire Red several times over the past three years and played through for funsies; thus I have a bit of an extensive knowledge of the maps and routes, so I don’t need Flash to get through and that’s how I got through Mt Moon so quickly. Also will explain in a few posts time how I can do Arcade Floor Puzzles, Silph Co, Kogi’s Gym, possibly Sea Foam isles, and Indigo Plateau. (If I remember the last one at all!)

Anyway, just thought I’d point that out, sorry to the gang for not pointing this out. Kirsty knew, and she’s adorable so you can’t be angry at her. Back to Beardie…

I passed through the first two sections of Rock Tunnel with relative ease. I had to return to the Pokecenter on the third section and then I retraced my steps towards the fourth and had another Pokecenter call. Finally I reached the fifth and exit section. I climbed the ladder into the sunlight. A cacophony of birdsong and breeze hit me and I cannot help but whistle and stick my hands in my pockets. As you leave Rock Tunnel you have a choice in ways to approach Lavender Town

Left, a few hills to jump over. Right, my date with destiny...
Left, a few hills to jump over. Right, my date with destiny…

I mounted my bike, turned into the direction of the sloping entrance and took off. Knowing that trainers liked to hang around the hilly left entrance, and my team near exhaustion from a very testing fight through the tunnels, we sped off.

That’s when James appeared.

I didn’t notice him come out of the bushes edging the pathway.

“Want to see my pokemon?” He cackled, rubbing his legs and masticating relentlessly.

I blacked out.

 

The doctor took me back to the pokecenter, fixed up my pokemon. He gave me tea and rich tea biscuits. I felt confused and alone. I didn’t know what had happened. I stepped outside…

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!??!!?!?!?!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!??!!?!?!?!

 

I don’t remember much of the second journey. I think I got back to Lavender Town, well, I know that much and the papers will tell so many stories of what happened there.

In the dead of the night, I crept back into Lavender Town. I found James’ little hut just down by the river, and I took the fishing wire from my old rod and I garrotted him.

 

I have been here for so long, and nobody has ever asked me about that story. Yet the worst is yet to come, for they didn’t catch me until much later into my quest.

Sweet dreams,

Beardie x

 

 

 

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