August 17, 2016
About the author : Musician. Actor. Writer. Madman.
We last left our brave protagonist, Beardie, contemplating his life choices to date at the edge of the famed Cerulean City Bridge. He had just trounced his rival and proceeded up the bridge, grinding against the 5 contest trainers (though not that sort of grinding, pervert!) and realised that he could finally have a friend as he reached the host of this contest. The dark eyed Marlon Brando wannabe begged for Beardie to join Team Rocket and Beardie accepted with every question but this pathetic moron of a man could not understand that he actually won. So Beardie drove his pokemon into the ground and continued to Bill’s place.
Bill is a massive Jeff Goldblum fan, were you aware? He wanted to bang Geena Davis that much that he replicated the machinery from “The Fly” and sat in waiting for her to come and meet him. Unfortunately a rabid nidoran jumped at him as he sat tinkering and he was morphed into some hideous Nuneaton like creature with webbed hands and inbred tendencies (if you’re from Nuneaton, I apologise, but you chose that life…)
After saving JG or Bill from his predicament, he hastily shoved me out the door. He forced an SS Anne ticket into my hand, begging me to leave him be. I think he was planning on making a talking Cat or something so it could fight a Growlithe (Cats vs Dogs reference, anyone?)
I head back down the hill, a little disheartened. I kick through the leaves and bushes, not caring what should come my way, when suddenly a wild Robert Smith of The Cure fame appears. I have to catch him. If not for me then at least to save him from himself. For those struggling to workout which pokemon this could be, a clue:
I run straight to the gym, and challenge every swimmer and his dog to a duel. I even fight the leader, who turns out to be bloody Geena Davis!
I was ecstatic! Elated! I just beat her with a damn Magikarp for Christ sake! I ran down the pass to Vermillion City and jumped on the SS Anne. Nothing could stop me, my heart racing in my chest as I pounce up the steps. Ass-hat collides with me, just as I approach the Captain’s quarters. What the hell is he doing here? I think to myself; and then I realise that this is my moment, My dream to s**t on his dreams, to massacre that little Raticate. I feel the blood lust rush up inside of me. I can’t help myself.
I run at him, we charge into battle. I don’t have any potions, I don’t use any defensive moves. I pin him to the wall from the off. I rip into his team. He’s protecting that sheepish little rodent!
Finally, he sends out the pathetic, mangy, disgusting little thing and I let Connery set fire to him there and then; the flames flickering as reflections in my maniacal eyes.
I black out. Not from loss, but from sheer adrenaline and joy.
When I come too, I realise the Captain has found me and brought me to his cabin. My jeans feel loose…
I grab my clothes and the HM for cut that is close by and run. I narrowly escape my kidnapping and watch in relief as the SS Anne floats away. I head towards the gym, hoping for more cannibalistic destruction with my team to take my mind off the idea the Captain is drilling into my…. it’s too much… I can’t cope, Doc
No, please, Beardie. Go on…
I fight everyone, I challenge LT Surge, but he overpowers me time and time again. I feel I am already being punished for enjoying the demise of my foe’s prided pokemon.
And what do you plan to do next, Beardie?
I need sleep, Doc. I need to rest.
Maybe tomorrow, if my medication holds the hallucinations at bay, I may be able to defeat him. But for now, I must go.
It’s okay to admit you’re scared, Beardie. Leave your team and training details on the desk. We’ll talk more in tomorrow’s session