About the author : Musician. Actor. Writer. Madman.

Mount your friends… to the moon?

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I awoke, drenched in glory, cheap women and good whiskey. Yes, this 10 year old bearded god just messed up Brock of Pewter City Gym fame.

Rolling out of bed, not knowing what had gone on. I panicked, realising that I needed to actually achieve something today worth some lame ass writer to blog about in some parallel universe; What a fecking nerd! Anyway, the team strolls out into the mountain passes, enjoying the air and the weak ass punks thinking they can touch us. I then get to a pokecenter and think about healing before I am knocked off my feet. Now to everyone else, this pokecenter is just a normal healing station before taking on Mt Moon, situated just next to it. I innocently stepped towards Nurse Jenny, (you know the hot one, not like Pewter City Jenny!) and then I heard the crunch of alpha on deity like strength. I turn slowly and see in the corner, a man offering a pokemon for a meagre 500 of my coin. He asked me to buy him, I looked at my wallet. I handed him the cash. Jameson joins the team!

Did I f**king stutter?
Did I f**king stutter?

I named this incredible water demi-god Jameson for the simple reason that, just like the whiskey, he will grow better with age. Yes, Charles, you have Smol and I have a Swole Magikarp!

As if that wasn’t enough, I decided I would do a speed run of Mt Moon. I would exit in 5 minutes max. I almost did it. I even beat Gestapo Gimp Rocket

Remember the safe word is Himler...
Remember the safe word is Himler…

But then I got cocky, and tried to take the Super nerd on with just a little bit of HP with Buntd, Jr. and no potions (I haven’t bought any since starting). He kicked me into the ground and I had another 10 minutes added to my bloody Mt Moon run! But alas, I got out and ran out to Cerulean City. Here, I took a brief moment to look back at the monolith I had just traversed to see my end goal in sight. No, good reader, I am not talking about the exit, the elite four, the gym; this is the place I aim to get to in 3 pokemon, 7 badges and a lot of hours time…

Patience, brother
Patience, brother

That man, standing at the precipice of time and story itself, is the gatekeeper to my doom. One way or another, I must return here after all my achievements to duel with a pokemon that has not realised I already have the key to his demise. Oh, how I wish I could tell you, the secret I want to show you my powerful tool that has been with me since the first few steps into this godforsaken land, but I shall save that for you to uncover. Maybe you’ve already realised it. I will make it massively obvious later on in an update, I know this will happen, but do you know?

I awkwardly step back and find myself stuck, something blocking me from behind. I turn to see that ugly little cretin, Ass-hat. I am not ready for this, I didn’t want this fight and it shows when I am left trying to defeat his last pokemon with a f**king magikarp!

Oh, little Jameson. Soon they will see!
Oh, little Jameson. Soon they will see!

He puts me in my place, teaching me humility. I scarpered to the pokecenter with my tail between my legs, and then went back for more. This time, I tasted the sweet nectar of victory once more.

Screenshot 2016-08-16 17.52.59

I am left in a self reflecting moment, in which I am asked a question by my rival simply so he can slam me but he doesn’t realise he’s caused me to question everything I have done so far and question what my move shall be after this. I am being chronicled by a very decent writer, why the hell has he only used this to write an intro and then give me some character as he gives details of my journey. Steve! Listen to me! You’ve written novels, plays, poems, songs and so much more. We need to stop holding back, Steve. Give my story more meaning, let me have the legacy I deserve and let the readers have what they deserve; a damn good story!

We leave you, weary travellers with an update. We are currently on the Golden Bridge of Cerulean City. We have a team of 3 pokemon, after 2 hours and 40 minutes.

Charmeleon (Connery, Lvl 19)

Beedrill (Buntd, Jr., Lvl 13)

Magikarp (Jameson, Lvl 11)


When we return, everything will change. A promise we hope to keep.

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