Dan’s Pokérun: Episode 2

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I’m going to lay this on the line right away: I fucked about in Viridian Forest for an age. So many weedles! So many kakunas! What I wanted was a caterpie and a pikachu, and I was damned if I was going to leave without at least one of them. I was starting to lose hope, but then…


You’ll stay in that ball if you know what’s good for you.


Finally! I had my very own caterpie. A pokémon that hard-sought needs a name that oozes respect, and as such, Crawly Joe was born – a mighty level 3 at time of capture. That, of course, means that the grind had to begin – and oh man. What a grind.


I cannot begin to tell you how boring this battle was.


After this I pushed onwards to Pewter City, where my first visit was a Pokécentre to restore the health and PP of poor Crawly Joe. While I was doing this, I had a thought – Kanto (and, in later generations, the world) has universal free veterinary care for pokémon. It’s a service that’s available to everyone, as often as you like, in practically every city and town. That’s incredible, right? I can’t help but feel like there must be something more to it – something sinister.


Which would certainly give this phrase different connotations.


Wondering about the dark machinations of the socialist poké-health regime, I pressed on. I figured that while I was in Pewter City, I should stop by the gym and see our old friend Brock. I bumped into the first trainer on the way – a diglett and a sandshrew. Easy, right?


I mean, in retrospect, this obviously wasn’t going to go well.


I had forgotten a key fact – Kanye hadn’t learned any grass-type moves except for leech seed. That prolonged things a little, but, inevitably…


Hello darkness my old friend / I’ve come to HM05 at you again


Clearly, this wasn’t going to work. I headed back to Viridian Forest and resumed The Mighty Grind. And then…


I am going to BRING THE PAIN.


Vine whip is the move that makes bulbasaur the blatant choice for your starter. Want to see what vine whip does to a diglett and a sandshrew?


Fuck your little phallic head!


And there we are. I decided to take a break after beating Brock’s first companion trainer – it seemed like a good idea to heal up and get ready for the next one. Apparently after beating me, though, he decided to hit on me.


Negging: Clearly a thing enjoyed by rock-type trainers.

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