About the author : Musician. Actor. Writer. Madman.

First, there was light… then it was lit, son!

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Day one.

I overheard my mother speaking with a gruff man, they spoke in hushed tones. She said she couldn’t do that to her only son and he said he had a plan. I fell asleep to the murmuring from the next room. My dreams are flecked with images of animals that could fight, and the gruff man asking me what I had planned for my summer. He apparently had a grandson, his name is Gary. Gary is an ass-hat. I shall call him Ass-hat from now on. The gruff man pushes me off a ledge and I shrink to a few pixels and as my bedroom door closes, I wake in a cold sweat.


(Poke) Balls to the dramatic intro, welcome to Dragon run! Steve Archer, aka Beardie, is off at the tender age of 10 with his glorious beard to go take down rival Ass-hat’s Raticate (it will die, it will be mourned, and I will s**t on his dreams). Oak tried to contain me to Pallet town, so I stole his Charmander. Everyone is going Bulbasaur, a wise choice, the first two gyms are gonna be easy for you; one or two have gone for Squirtle, good to see some back bone! Squirtle is starting on Normal difficulty, the first gym is gonna be easy but your game is gonna need to start after that. I went Charmander, because why make things easy for yourself when you’re only allowed 6 pokemon?

Ass-hat tried to stop me, he picked up the Squirtle and challenged me, so I SLAPPED HIM TO THE GROUND!

You're damn right you did, little b**ch!
You’re damn right you did, little b**ch!

By the way, yes, my Charmander is called Connery. This is a reference to Sean Connery, voice of Draco in Dragonheart alongside Dennis Quaid and David Thlewis. YES, I’M THAT GEEK!

After ruining Ass-hat’s “plans to stop me are ruined”, I head north to the Viridian Forest, in which I meet my second team member, the son of Game Grumps legend “Buntd,”. I caught my Weedle in the darkened deeps of the forest after an ambush of fat little rodents called Pikachu’s tried to stop me. THEY ALSO FAILED!!!

We escaped the forest, barely scathed, and headed towards the gym. We got pummelled.

We grinded.

We grinded.

Oh, how we grinded.

And then, somehow, the most beautiful thing happened. Was it a bird? Was it a plane? NO!

Screenshot 2016-08-15 20.36.34


I went to the Pewter City Gym again and again. I could have took maybe 20-30 minutes, but then after talking to this guy…

I never noticed the resemblance...
I never noticed the resemblance…

I realised that there was no help and I just had to go hard or go home. I sent my children to the slaughter, time and time again. Finally, in the heat of the moment… (telling me what your heart meant) (I couldn’t resist)


Screenshot 2016-08-15 21.01.56
“Sit down John, you fat mother f**ker!” (Yes, another Hamilton reference)


So, that’s my update. There’s been a lot of stuff happen today. I leave with proof I have beaten the Gym. I have two pokemon (Charmander and Beedrill) and I have played for 1 hour and 45 minutes and have the Boulder badge.


Archer, OUT!

Screenshot 2016-08-15 21.09.09

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